enfin's reality

i carry your heart with me (in lieu of cummings)

dear sammy blue eyes,

i miss you- but i want you to know, i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart).  i can’t wait to give you a hug! enjoy st. augustine.

ever yours,

enfin

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enfin's reality

it’s not like i believe in everlasting love

although at this rate, i wish i did

i wish i knew how to play the accordian


and i wish i could sleep late daily

& i wish for once that someone reciprocates
it’d be nice if i could be as wise as marx.


maybe true love isn’t dead, but all i can say, is that if it does happen to exist, i’d love some hardcore proof.  or else for the rest of my life, i suppose all i’ll know about true love is that its idea makes a pretty good song.

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enfin's reality

the lighter died.

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tandem bikes listen to that by the LK.

here i am. in north carolina. for the first time. ever. unless a trip to the charlotte airport counts, although, i highly doubt that it truly does.  yesterday was a long day of travel, tons of delays and bumpy skies and busy roads. but all in all, i got to durham/chapel hill an hour later than expected, in one piece.  M was at her trackmeet, but i didn’t see her throw because i was late. late. late. i suppose that should have been assumed in the first place, but what is done, is done. chick-fil-a (still can’t get over the spelling… i suppose new englanders want to add that filet in instead of the fil-a…) filled our stomachs, and i slept a good sleep, all until i was woke up early this morning to visit DA. it was a school, and that was my very impression. my only impression too. sure schools tend to differ in material, but all have the same sense of an educational establishment which one becomes familiarized with over the course of their 13 years in public edu. or private, or what have you. anyway, i read outside for sometime- something i rarely have the chance to do in maine, and that made me happy. then we ventured to a thai cafe and to m’s infamous lo-yo and we had a superb time talking. all this “update” writing is making me feel out of place. seeing as i’m currently reading catcher in the rye for the thousandth time, i feel like holden, and i am viewing everything as “phony”. its unfortunate, yeah? anyway…

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o, how i’d love a party like the above. summertime is approaching! m, annie, and i will drive to the coast and eat strawberries and blackberries, and dance to k’naan and tunng and all the good summer music.  we’ll eat oranges and sip tea on the maine state pier at 5am, and we’ll build forts and go on bike rides, and take many many photos. i’m really counting on the upcoming season of liberty to be the best one yet- seeing as last year’s sucked so bad. see my nice inclusion of slang? anyway, ive sent out good energy to the deities of summer to ensure that the three of us have the best vacation of our lives thus far. parties, and friends (if we need them) and lunches and brunches and movies and music all the way.

oh hi enfin, you are as BA as its been rumored.

memoria teneo, as i have mentioned in a previous post, did in fact happen- hence the proof, first of two photos. the second, is a quaint little rue en quebec, where i found this market that four young boys in their 20s with lots of tattoos and gauges worked in. they sold me a baguette and i played fetch with their golden retriever for a brief moment until i ran up the road to get a good shot of the chateau on my trusty ricoh. i miss quebec, but i like the south too! we’re planning an allnighter (which i can say is overdue) and a fortification and perhaps a picnic and a trip to some of m’s most mentionable places en durham/c.hill/raleigh or i think i will refer to current location as RDU just like their airport. it will be nice to visit cambridge on sunday however, i haven’t visited since… february? i don’t recall any travels in march, however, it is entirely possible. a mixed tape is coming when i get back in the 617 or 207, depending on my mood and how i budget my time. i’m switching between, the crying of lot 49, V, How to Write Compelling Fiction- which i must add is quite delicious- and catcher in the rye (boring).

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stupid couple is so stupidly cute.

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i’m so happy that the spring has finally graced us.

enfinoui

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enfin's reality

apartment of the poor

veritas vitas

i had this discussion last evening that shed a lot of life in my values and my main concerns.  i’ve known for quite sometime that i have anxiety, and initially it was thought to have stemmed from the tragedy that happened this past summer.  deep down, i’ve known its been around for quite some time prior to this past summer, but i was talking with a about death, and life and everything. and i used to be terrified of death- i’ve always respected it though.  but anyway, while we were discussing what the cycle of life, this chill took over my body, i just started shaking uncontrollably because its so difficult to fathom that one day you can be sitting in your cubicle, and the next day you’re gone from this planet.  or so we know at this point.  its amazing to think that we’re living our lives just to die. i know that’s sort of a cynical way of thinking about it, but we’ll all end up in the same place at some time or another- yeah? we live for what, a guestimate of 75 years just to die.  think about the people who lived 200 years ago.  its been probably 125 years since they were alive.  talk about some rest.

i’ve always tried to appreciate every day i survive, but sometimes its difficult for me to do so.  but with all these thoughts surrounding death, and tragedy and loss, i suppose you should count your hens and show some thanks.  you’ll never know when your time will be up, and i know that sounds rather cliche coming out of my mouth but the last time i really thought about death, the last time i got nervous for my own death was when i was at least ten years old driving home from poland springs.  i remember how nervous i got, how i began to cry, because when you think about it, death’s emotional.  you leave your earth body. but do you go anywhere afterwards? we all hope we do.  but how can we be sure? we can’t. that’s the beauty of death and life… its all a mystery, and you just have to accept it.

another thing i was thinking about was what it feels like just before you die.  does it hurt? im sure for some…yes. but ive always imagined it feels like a knot sinking deep into your stomach and you have your final exhale where you can clearly feel the knot present, but after a good couple of seconds, it slowly starts to disappear.  during this time i also expect you are ridding yourself of extra baggage and all connections to the earth.

but i’m sort of done talking about this right now. i’m tired, and thoughts are not flowing as they should be.

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enfin's reality

a day of baking

i really really really want to bake that blackberry plum tart. unfortunately… today will not be a good day to do so, unless i get another case of the midnight baking blues. which i may, you never know.  i guess i should prepare for that and buy my blackberries and plums after my meeting. its a manic monday in maine.  temperatures dropped back down to the forties! how terrible. but i guess that’s how the weather should be. no more ethel for a while. i’m not really looking forward to the rest of the day- two classes down, two to go.  then a tennis meeting, global studies program, and then PYAC. why oh why do i do this to myself? a night of reading faulkner’s the sound and the fury and trig and whatever else i’m supposed to do. i think baking would really help me get through the next 14 hours.

enfinlove

 

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