enfin's reality

what this has meant to me

this minute wrinkle in time, for me, has done so much.  i left tired and in a bad place– and here i am, almost a week after tamarack has ended, wishing i didn’t have to return to my normal life.  perhaps i should clarify that if it were possible, i wouldn’t return.  the only reason why i am going back to maine is because of work, which in some ways is a decent incentive, because i need to make bank.  but the people up here, the way of life, and the amount of happiness that i feel on a regular basis, is unable to be replicated at home.  home for me is so transparent in meaning- a won’t be returning until august, and i just wish i could stay here in the beautiful white mountains.  the national forest has become my home- six hours of tennis a day, living with some incredibly great people, and even those who lacked the fundamentals of being kind, is all that i want.  summer without structure is pointless for me– it’s an opportunity to expand my horizons and meet new people.  That’s why this summer has thus far been what I’ve needed- but upon returning to Portland, all of that structure is compromised.  The community and support net that is found at Tamarack is unmatched by any other summer program I’ve ever participated in.  It has already earned the title of a second home, and I’d like to remain here until school starts up.  To meditate and remove myself from the reality that I live in year round is something that I desperately need- but unfortunately that can’t take place back home.  I will admit that I miss a few people, and I miss my cats, but I wish I could scoop all of that up and bring them here to be with me.  Too bad that won’t happen.

enfin's reality, Uncategorized

dearest, oh dearest.

craving some stuffed peppers and iced nice coffee.

i keep blogging right before i go to bed, and then while in the midst of a terribly good sentence, i fall asleep. shame on enfin for not realizing this trend. anyway! happy last day of avril. it’s been quite a short month- absolutely insane to think that i’ve gotten all the way to late spring and early summer. 2010, as i had wished when it was 2009, has not been up to par to be quite frank. there have been good moments and bad ones, but nothing defining- thus nothing that i will remember the year at this point. this past week has been busy, but certainly not my busiest- in fact, i feel as though i haven’t accomplished jack shit (to be blunt) at school. it only seems like i’ve played tennis- through wind, hail, rain and sunshine- oh and 32 degree weather. i’m still getting into the swing of things- seeing as this is my first week back from april break. three tennis matches- two practices, tonight… last match. i’m not planning on doing too much this weekend- seeing as i feel incredibly lazy right now, so lazy that it seems as though i’ve forgotten how to answer my telephone or even log on to facebook.

i went to SPACE wednesday, surprise surprise, right? it was Johnny Cash Tribute Evening which is held there every year.  all the proceeds went to the betterment of prisons in New England, and there were a bunch of kick ass bands there who spit out the best J. Cash and J. Carter songs. I danced and danced my little heart idle. Prior to that i visited bates- a small oasis in the town of lewiston (which i have always perceived to be trashy… but bates belongs in cambridge bitches). i know that i wouldn’t like attending there, but it was nice to get out of hell for a day.

i know that i’m being wordy… and i’m beating around the bush, so below is a list of truths i’ve been meaning to get out in the open for quite some time but have obviously had a bit of trouble doing:

-i lost my first tennis match
-i am applying to spend a month on the ocean during this summer, where a bunch of students as well as myself will be studying ways to help preserve the world’s biggest ecosystem- the sea.
-i still have writer’s block
-i definitely am not a team player
-i need to work on my attitude

there we go. out in the open. i’m so stoked (oh god, who am i turning into…) for the summer. i’ve been trying to figure out things to do and this would be great- although i am feeling rather pressured because i wanted to (and when i say wanted to… that mean i really wanted to) take a photo class, rent a darkroom at the bakery, be with meredith as much as i could be, work a regular schedule, beach and driving around and because i said that, driver’s ed, spend time in boston teaching le langue d’amour, and of course, go camping. who knows if i’ll even make it into this program- if i do, then wonderful! i’ll totally go about that and help save the ocean, but if i don’t than that’s wonderful too. i won’t be sore either way. i’ve been trying to learn that everything happens for some bigger reason, and i am no longer enticed to know why those sorts of things happen. if i could help change the world in some way, than i would most certainly do so. i hope though, that i will have fun (in fact, i know i will)! the good news about this program though is that its 4 days a week, and there is only one instance where it goes all 7.  the remainder of the week (ie 3 days) belong to me and i can go home etc. plus when we’re hanging intown learning, that means i can just go home when the day is done and do whatever i like then. oooh the advantages of being a child with no strings attached- i must say its a breath of fresh air.

enfinlove (i just gave y’all some)