enfin's reality, links, music

right now:

i’m emotional and insecure and barely able to be comforted by the majority of acquaintances i have.  oops.  pretty much done with this rain and snow and shit.  why can’t it just be summer so i can wear dresses and lay in the sun and drink some summery beverages?

enfin's reality, pop culture

yogi breaths

that’s all i’ve been doing all day.  this has been possibly the worst weekend i’ve experienced in a while.  i’ll gladly take a hangover during work any day over what’s happened in the past two days.

i hate how people don’t understand what effect their words have on me.  they don’t even know it, in fact, it will never ever occur to them that the smallest things that they perceive to be entirely justified absolutely kill me inside.

work has been absolutely swamped this weekend, and today there really wasn’t a moment to breathe, which really did a number on me.  especially since i spent a good deal of time in the hospital yesterday, with my grandmother which was emotionally taxing.  there have been numerous moments where i just want to break down and cry, and there have been the same amount of moments where i’ve wanted to shriek until my voice left me forever.  there’s just so much going on, and the people who should be there, aren’t, and it all feels like a repeat of june 2009.

i leave bright and early for montreal tomorrow.  i’m pretty excited to be frank, but i know that i’m bringing over so much stress and anxiety, which i obviously wish i could leave behind in the US.

in regards to the social sector of my life, i feel like there have been so many hills and valleys in the past few weeks, and i’m just so tired of it all.  i’m tired of people saying one thing, and then doing other things that just completely negate their words.  i’m tired of being disappointed and easily irritated.  and also, some people just need to chill the fuck out, and learn to account for their words and actions in a responsible manner.

at this moment, the only things i’m looking forward to are work next weekend, dinner at Hugo’s on the 8th, and going back to school.  i don’t really have any desire to spend time with people over break unless they’re family members.  everyone else, i’ve just realized i’m very short with and will more than likely snap at.

a nice cup of iced vietnamese coffee would do me a world of wonder right now.  and perhaps when i wake up at 5am, i’ll want to be social again.  maybe it’s just the fact that i’m absolutely exhausted that i feel this way right now.  it could also be that i’m very sad and very lonely.  but whatever the reason, i hope it gets resolved sooner rather than later.

then again, i’ve been known to dwell in my sorrow- but, i’ll try not to do that now.


enfin's reality


trouble inside.  i had to part with my dearest sassy yesterday… it was perhaps one of the most difficult days of my life, and it was so terrible to see her in such a horrendous state.  i’ve lived with her for the past thirteen years, and i suppose it still feels like she’s here.  little trout keeps searching for her comrade, but she is nowhere to be found.  i already miss sassy’s venegeful stares, fiesty moods, and endearing nature.  she was always there… and i’ll never forget her.  so in short, i am emotionally drained, tired beyond imagination, and a bit blue.


insecurities popping up.  i’m trying my hardest to hinder them.  this always seems to happen, but we’ll just hope that for once i can push them out of my mind.  wuthering and failing bonds, friendships dying, taking their toll.  not knowing who was here first and who will always be here.  inner conflicts, learning its only fair to confront rather than avoid.


regardless, i’m trying to retain a sense of happiness.  i’m trying to understand that prevalent emotion that i’ve convinced myself hasn’t left fully.  this time of the year brings much saddness and much joy, but i can’t be so sure that it will be the same as last year.  i think back to my father, i think of the bridges burned, the changes that have overcome everyone and everything.  it’s something inevitable… this sorrow, no matter how much i cook, no matter how much i distract, my mind wanders back to thoughts that will forever make me sad.  but here, i’ll try.  i’m saying it so i mean it. 


it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow.  i’m quite excited because i love her so much.  we’re planning on reservations at FIGA (see vin et grub on friday) and yoga at Lila.  it’s been a sad week, and perhaps this is what’s needed to lift our spirits. today, some people made me smile, they took my mind off of the insecurities and the sorrow, and i was glad.  but now, i’m deliriously tired, i can barely fathom what’s to come, and words aren’t making sense.  i miss my best friend, i miss my kitten, i miss the feeling of no pressure.  i want to see my family, stay with them until i’m reassured of their presence.  i want to be firm in mind, and firm in spirits.

enfin's reality, Uncategorized

a snapshot


oh summer, can’t you hurry up? today was the last day of my vacation, and my banal life resumes tomorrow at 7am once again.  45 day countdown though, that’s always promising. this upcoming week is ridiculous.  three tennis matches, two work days, endless projects due, college visits, and meetings galore. i can’t say that i’m excited to getting back to routine, seeing as i hate routine anyway. but one week down, means one week closer to summer and finals. i need to contact the bakery for darkroom rentals, pick up some film, writesome ficitons, watch entourage, and get some sleep. i feel drained already. i need to make money also. can’t say i’ve been good at working lately. i also suppose the busier the week, the quicker it’ll go by. wednesday is johnny cash tribute night at SPACE.  it’s also 10 months since my father passed. crazy how time does fly. currently, my head is throbbing in endless pain, and i really could use an asprin. i have been babysitting for quite some time….. can’t say i’ve had the best time. i just want to sleep. and cook. maybe i’ll go home and eat some of that chocolate cake i baked the other day. i’m so excited for the summer, can’t wait for sunrises, pinot grigio, weekend getaways, finishing stories, developing film, and biking around.  OH. i bought this wonderful pair of heels from neimans…. i believe they’re from the 70s, but they’re wonderful. perhaps a photo tomorrow. but until then…



enfin's reality

mr. hemingway please.




the ice in above photos clearly depict my heart’s current condition.

oh so its friday. and i survived it. because now its techincally saturday. a brief synopsis of yesterday. one: i got a new job. pushing clothes on rich ladies. let’s see how long that lasts. two: i bought some art. a photograph and a painting of michael jackson. three: my mind. stoc. incense burns. four: angry, spiteful, rage is bubbling. brewing even. five: i’ve read two pieces of literature today that have used the simile: cold as a witches’ teat. what the fuck? six: fire trucks roaring on the congo. nice way to spice up my nightlife. seven: he can suck it.

friday….first friday. interesting altogether, and yes, interesting is vague, but i intend on keeping this vague.  weather is warming up, thankfully. tomorrow or today, or whatever is now, will be filled with busi-ness. working my new job 10-3, and then workin’ my normal job 3-5. i will also be celebrating miss bela’s birthday after that. and i guess i’ll take a long evening bike ride on my journey home. i can’t quite claim happiness today, or yesterday… whenever friday was. i saw his stupid face and i couldn’t be more angry. stupid gawking eyes…flickering behind those stupid spectacles. done with him. done with that.

anger..brew, sizzle bang.


enfin's reality, Uncategorized

a new england spring

my afternoon has been ruined! its 60 degrees outside and i was supposed to go one a photo excursion! but my work calls, and i have to go cart candles up and down the stairs, and then sit in the dismal basement and price them mindlessly. after that i have a meeting from 5-7:30. so terrible. i have a good amount of homework too, which means my night doesn’t promise anything but work work work. i just want to make good use of this day and sit in the sun, take a couple rolls of film, and have fun! that’s not going to happen anytime soon though- seeing as i’m working every afternoon this week, what what?