enfin's reality

cycling in no particular pattern

karma’s a bitch, and everyone should know that by now.  i’m ready at this point to put behind me all my disappointments and surge forward into what awaits.  it’s only when you’ve been truly alone that you can come to realizations such as these.  i want to find myself relishing in the beauty of the world, find myself learning more about what surrounds me, and find myself content being alone– something that i’ve always had to do.

the weeks have tired me to the bone, and i’m afraid of half the faces in this town.  it’s time to get out, to move on to something better.  the best advice i’ve received is from a friend who, while might be skeptical of me half the time, has come to terms with the importance of our camaraderie.  “don’t settle for anything that leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth” coupled with the insistence that this town isn’t worth my time anymore, i think i’ve come to a new recognition of just how important it is to challenge yourself.  not just in things such as intellectual stimulation, but things such as relationships.  sometimes, you just need to try a bit harder, and as it always seems to go, it’ll be well worth your time, in comparison to settling for something easy, for something that poses no challenge.

but with the changing tides, i’ve learned just who stays close, and thus, it’s them that i know i can rely on.  in the past i’ve fooled myself, thinking that some have cared ridiculous amounts for me, only to be disappointed by the truth being that this was far from the truth.  so now, with the opportunity to leave, comes the opportunity to enjoy myself for seven months.  portland, despite the fact that for the past year or so, you’ve given me trouble, it’s now time for me to call upon all the reasons why i love you.  now it’s time to be involved in what it is that i want to be involved in.  it’s time to get better, to climb out of this rut, and seize the last opportunity i have to thoroughly enjoy the past 18 years.  hence, a new beginning ensues.  from now on, my communication is limited to the people who have made my life easier and happier.  and as i began this post, i shall end it.  karma is a bitch.  take that from me.

enfin.

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enfin's reality

peaceful productivity

its the sudden turn of events that throws everyone off.  soon, november will grace us, and with her comes dark nights, dark mornings, dark days, and cold winds.  family dinners, friend dinners, signs of snow, frosted roads.  turkeys and ducks and stuffing and cranberries.  the desire of camraderie, prolonged hot showers, early to sleep, late to rise.  hearty meals, football sundays.  i’ve had a marvelous two days, full of afternoon naps and salary raises.  tomorrow promises a champagne cake and a viewing of the tempest and chocolat.  friday brings double yoga sessions, no class, and work.  for the first time in a while today, i giggled.  i laugh a lot anyway, that’s not rare.  but someone made me giggle.  the sort where you blush afterward, mumble some sort of awkward nothing and leave before they realize what just happened.  he made me giggle.  i’m going to try and not do that anymore, or else it’d be too obvious? i can’t wait to crunch the leaves on sunday evening, and to see rocky horror on saturday.  graveyard cupcakes for my little cousins, a maximum of three hours homework over the course of three days.  entirely do-able. catching up on all the sleep i’ve lost.  cleaning and hopefully having fun? though i know not with who yet.  sunday… scary movies? possibly guests? though they haven’t been picked.  i need coffee.  i slept for 4 hours this afternoon.  i want to sleep now.  but i’m so comfortable listening to records, editing photos, and wondering why he made me giggle.  now i just feel awkward.  as awkward as i felt when i showed up on campus soaking wet, and after i almost got hit by two cars.  oh me, oh my.  isn’t this fantastic?

In spring of youth it was my lot
       To haunt of the wide world a spot
       The which I could not love the less-
       So lovely was the loneliness
       Of a wild lake, with black rock bound,
       And the tall pines that towered around.

       But when the Night had thrown her pall
       Upon that spot, as upon all,
       And the mystic wind went by
       Murmuring in melody-
       Then- ah then I would awake
       To the terror of the lone lake.

thank edgar allen poe for his brilliance and perfection at bringing that forboding autumn ambiance to the table.

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i need to try and not be so awkward.  i think my approach is a bit backwards in the sense that when he waves, i stare.  i’ve never been good at this but now’s the time where i suppose i can improve.  i’d typically turn to cake or poetry in lieu of proper conversation, but i realize that proper conversation is something incredibly important.  maybe some luck will come my way.

 

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