enfin's reality

apartment of the poor

veritas vitas

i had this discussion last evening that shed a lot of life in my values and my main concerns.ย  i’ve known for quite sometime that i have anxiety, and initially it was thought to have stemmed from the tragedy that happened this past summer.ย  deep down, i’ve known its been around for quite some time prior to this past summer, but i was talking with a about death, and life and everything. and i used to be terrified of death- i’ve always respected it though.ย  but anyway, while we were discussing what the cycle of life, this chill took over my body, i just started shaking uncontrollably because its so difficult to fathom that one day you can be sitting in your cubicle, and the next day you’re gone from this planet.ย  or so we know at this point.ย  its amazing to think that we’re living our lives just to die. i know that’s sort of a cynical way of thinking about it, but we’ll all end up in the same place at some time or another- yeah? we live for what, a guestimate of 75 years just to die.ย  think about the people who lived 200 years ago.ย  its been probably 125 years since they were alive.ย  talk about some rest.

i’ve always tried to appreciate every day i survive, but sometimes its difficult for me to do so.ย  but with all these thoughts surrounding death, and tragedy and loss, i suppose you should count your hens and show some thanks.ย  you’ll never know when your time will be up, and i know that sounds rather cliche coming out of my mouth but the last time i really thought about death, the last time i got nervous for my own death was when i was at least ten years old driving home from poland springs.ย  i remember how nervous i got, how i began to cry, because when you think about it, death’s emotional.ย  you leave your earth body. but do you go anywhere afterwards? we all hope we do.ย  but how can we be sure? we can’t. that’s the beauty of death and life… its allย a mystery, and you just have to accept it.

another thing i was thinking about was what it feels like just before you die.ย  does it hurt? im sure for some…yes. but ive always imagined it feels like a knot sinking deep into your stomach and you have your final exhale where you can clearly feel the knot present, but after a good couple of seconds, it slowly starts to disappear.ย  during this time i also expect you are ridding yourself of extra baggage and all connections to the earth.

but i’m sort of done talking about this right now. i’m tired, and thoughts are not flowing as they should be.

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

cursive is dead

Image from interactimage.com

i’ve been thinking about this for perhaps the past year or so- yes quite some time for such a trivial topic.ย  but in reality, its anything but trivial! good penmanship used to be a defining character.ย  it used to be something required becaues a) it showed how you were careful with the words you chose, b) it’s methodical and displays self-discipline c) its pretty and classic, and d) if you ever want to resemble any of the great writers, politicians, activists, philosophers, celebrities, designers or doctors, you better have a beautiful John Hancock (no pun intended) if you aspire to be great.

my own cursive is improving, i’ve been laboring over ever since i began schooling, and i think over time it becomes second nature.ย  many of the kids in my classes ask me, while passing out papers, why it is thatย i write in cursive.ย  because my nietzsche thought process prevents me from answering in a complete truth to these folks, i never really explain it, i just say its out of habit.ย  i am extremely upset that people don’t care about their handwriting anymore, that its turned into, well i have atrocious handwriting, so if you don’t mind, i’m just going to type everything up! i type for blogposts and essays, but everything else is in my cursive, unless required to be word-processed.ย  i value nice handwriting and i wish society still did too! my father, as a child, was forced to write the alphabet in cursive daily- each letter 200 times- 100 in lower case, 100 in upper case.ย  his handwriting, from what i hear was absolutely gorgeous.ย  for the next few years i plan on perfecting my penmanship.ย  i already have two notebooks filled with cursive.ย  i don’t know how many more notebooks i have to fill before each letter is perfected, but it doesn’t matter! quality penmanship is a pretty big priority in my book!

enfin

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized, writing

aura of envy

2zqtxec

i don’t think i have any other words to describe my feelings right now besides envious.ย  its true that for the past i don’t know, 11 months i’ve firmly held my ground and could have cared less about whether or not i had a companion of sorts.ย  its true that i still feel that way, but something about the photo displayed above set me over the edge,ย  envy is building and there is no stopping it.ย  of course, i’m not the sort of person who is going to go out and seek a companion out.ย  im tired of that game.ย  there aren’t really prospects in my reach because of reasons out of my control.ย  there are factors that happen to restrict prospects which i have discussed in-depth with the lovely M.ย  to add on to that train of thought- mere and i have been discussin’ our flat.ย  we’re extreemly excited to eventually be getting a haus of our own! i think she’ll be ashamed of my uncleanliness however, but that’s something i’m willing to sacrifice.ย  we’ve also considered opening our own restaurant called zest where you bring us the ingredients and we’ll prepare something that includes the provisions that are providide.ย  of course, the logistics aren’t detailed, and we both know that we’d be inefficient and unable to stay on task, but that’s life, isn’t it? this afternoon we’re going on our first photo excursion of the new england spring, and we’re both looking forward to it! i need to pick up film tomorrow, and oh yes! how did i forget, m is going to be the official photographer on enfinoui this summer (of course, my photos will be displayed, but she is going to help out a ton) she may help with lookbook too (which reminds me; i need to get on planning a new outfit and shoot, hmm….ideas?)

anyway, going back to my rant about companions.ย  i’d like one, yes, but i can also live without it, seeing as i’ve fared well these past 11 months, and in addition to that, i’ve also fared well prior to the most recent relationship of mine which ended for good cause *amen and thank god*. <– i just realized how funny that happens to be seeing as god n’exist pas dans ma tete! but yes, a companion would be nice.ย  someone to cook for and watch black and white movies with.ย  someone to fall asleep next to, and to parade up the congo.ย  someone to come thrifting with me, and sit on the floor listening to vinyl and sip chamomille with.ย  someone to go on walks on the west end with, and take rolls of magnificent film with!ย  someone who joins me for late brunches on sundays, someone who thinks latin is fun, and who appreciates good literatue, good film, good caffine, and good tv.ย  someone who likes the same music (plus more) as me, and someone who thinks my mood swings are hilarious.ย  someone who has undergone some sort of tragedy in their lifetime, someone who likes me just as much as i like them.ย  someone who finds the concept of i love you to be a part conformist society, and instead we express our feelings through words with merit, not words that are used because you are unable to convey your feelings in any other way so you turn to the easiest phrase, known to man kind and spit it out.ย  i’m picky- yes, but i need to be.ย  after settling for less than my usual standards in the past, its become more than apparent that standards have to be met or else there’s no purpose in having a companion.ย  perhaps i’ll stumble upon someone someday- and perhaps i’ve already stumbled upon them.ย 

more fiction pieces are coming out tonight! along with some lovely photos from today’s excursion, and maybe even a link to a certain prose that i happen to be awaiting.

enfin

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