enfin's reality, music

whirlpools and whirlwinds

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happy september.  can you feel that fall nip in the air? i’m not quite sure if i can, but hey… it’ll be here before any of us knows it.  i know i’ve been MIA for a little while, and i have perfectly good excuses.  they are as follows: i’m still experiencing my let down depression and that makes it difficult for me to write because i tend to turn the subject to the summertime and it makes me even more sad, i went on outdoor experience with my new school- we traveled to katahdin and went on a very long canoeing expedition, and since then i’ve been trying to catch up with sleeping and celebrating the final days of my best summer ever.

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yesterday was full of great things- waking up late, get low, dinner at sonny’s (chicken enchilladas, cheeseburger, fried avacado, raspberry sangria sorbet, etc.), breaking down and buying lords of dogtown and roger dodger for under $10, pedis, and season 7 of entourage!! iced tea with A, and talking about everything and anything really helped put things in perspective for me. 

it was a very weird transition from being in seoul to camping at katahdin.  so loud and busy than became so quite and idle.  mankind at its most innovative transformed into nature at it’s best.  while i was laying in my tent on the first night, i realized that everything A had been saying about this all being relevant made sense.  whereever you are in life, more life is going on around you.  the more life you experience will mean different things for different people.  as i’ve mentioned in previous posts, once things begin to change, they change drastically.  i believe my fresh start at a new school is relevant and in cahoots with this past summer.  i don’t know what to expect, i don’t know what’s around the bend- and to be honest, i don’t want to know until everything happens.  life is what it is, and why not enjoy everything for once.  continuing this trend, about it all being relevant, clearly the way life evolves is relevant too.  i’ve been reading northanger abbey, and comparing the lifestyle back then to the lifestyle currently, is crazy.  jane austen depcits a society in which it is mandatory for a woman and a man to find their star-crossed lover STAT.  nowadays, while it’s still a focus, it’s not the only focus.  it’s more a matter of personal preference. 

things are just spinning around and around, and if i had to be honest, i would tell you everything keeps me up at night now.

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the prospect of having a new unexpected friend excites me to the utmost extent- and i think that’s a muy bueno thing,

letting time carry on, trying to prevent this saddness from sinking further within my mind

cravings for outings and spottings have been increasing rapidly this lovely september morning-

i’m quite ready for routine i suppose… even though as i typed that my first thought was WHAT THE FUCK?

brunch at locs when A returns from yoga,

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everything seems to have sorted themselves out for the time being.  i guess you could say i’m in a very good position.

september monthly horoscope says:

More than any other time during the year, you are feeling most adventurous and willing to take a leap of faith. This is a cycle in which you seek a higher meaning to your life, and/or seek out new experiences that take you beyond the here and now, and beyond the mundane details of day-to-day life. Anything that broadens your experiences attracts now. A lack of superficiality finds you straight to the point, interested in the truth of things.

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enfin's reality, photography

don’t stop

this rain needs to END.  i don’t need to feel any worse than i currently am- and the rain always adds on to that.  tired of running- though my body needs to move, because i haven’t moved it in quite sometime.

i miss kimchi.  i miss b108.  i miss seoul and everything it has to offer.  cambridge is disappointing.  oona’s got screwed over and is now cleaner and more organized than i see fit.  a stag visit to garment district tomorrow, followed by a sean kingston concerto.

it seems as though once your life begins changing, it continues to change and change and change, and then you’re left with a pile of befuddlement, and you don’t quite know what to do.  in my case, i suppose all i can do, is read, learn, run, and make do with the situation i’ve got.  maybe a vacation is in order… though i suppose this one hasn’t ended quite yet.

perhaps in this instance, distance is for the greater good- and whatever is there may survive (though knowing how i work, it won’t).  i can dream though.  awaiting on fucking photoshops to develop my shit- though i’ll be incredibly reluctant to look at the photos because i’ll just be even more weary of my surroundings.

so it goes… life is

everything and nothing.  why can’t you just be next to me thinking these thoughts and making this normal?

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enfin's reality

hibernation

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i think i’ll go into hibernation because i’m depressed.

the best summer of my life is on the brink of ending, and now i’m unsure of what to do with myself.

good news is that i have a fresh path to start come september, and i have a plane ticket that will bring me anywhere in the united states.

obviously, seoul isn’t in the united states, but i will find myself travelling there once again, in the oh so near future.

while i will be blogging about my trip- i’m a bit fatigued at the moment, and this is what i want to leave you with:

“everything you do in life defines you.  every decision- no matter how trivial, in part goes into your definition.  there are so many different options on how to go about so many different paths.  if you pick the wrong one today, it doesn’t mean you’ll pick the wrong one tomorrow.  spend a little more time doing, and a little less time being analytical.”

spoken by a true wiseman, and a true friend.

“remember this in a way that makes your heart feel healthiest.  remember them the way you feel most fitting.”

i most definitely experienced with my heart opposed to my head.

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enfin's reality

instantaneous reactions

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my day was full of wonderful occurences and good company.  truth be told, i feel as though so much time has passed by since i last divulged my life on the interweb, but at the same time, i also feel like i haven’t had much to say, because i haven’t cared to dillute life to the point where i can say it concisely and expect one to connect with the happenings i’ve been involved with.  being just as i’m supposed to be has been rather terrifying, because for once, i’m not ruled by some superficial expectations.  being present and intune is what matters.  happiness is key to all that makes my universe turn.  i’ve had numberless conversations in the past two weeks about life, death, and what we are meant to do.  i’ve decided most questions are meant to have answers, and answers only complicate things.  when something is, then what else could you need? you just are.

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i don’t mean to come off as metaphoric as i currently am, but that’s the problem with verbal communication- you are always misunderstood.  we have allowed words to dictate our lives and we feel according to the definition and restrictions of a word.  and even if you feel something you’ve never experienced, one invents a restriction- a word that is what you feel, and once again, another definition is institutionalized and generalized for the entire human race.  i think that is our downfall- our communication and our need for reassurance for our advancment.  but how can i change the way we’ve been made? who am i to put forth an effort, only to be hindered by the highs of society who already know of what it is i believe? i’m not sure… and because of that, here i am, typing this, sitting here, instead of going out and doing something.

today i learned- i chose a new path.  i discovered my faults and i’ve begun to admit them.  i’ve been trying to distract myself with reading, because i suppose reality is rather discontent when i start to thoroughly think about it.  i’m trying to skip small talk with people and have indepth discussions of faith, purpose, and reaction.  i’ve been inspired to think outside this realm, only to find reason to ration and everything else that looks so green from the other side of the grass.  i just realized that i’ve been ranting about everything i’m feeling– instead of sugarcoating everything with just a “day’s account”.  the artwalk was incredibly overwhelming- too many people and faces and voices and questions.  horribly awkward moments shoved into one another, and missed opportunities only to be mistaken with false hope and pseudo-reality.  i’m not sure in which direction i’m headed, yet i do know that i am listening to my instinct.  oh, how i haven’t the faintest idea of what’s around the bend.

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enfin's reality

to go where i’ve never been.

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ahhh. shut up, you’re such a jet-setter. i didn’t think that was a title i could ever hold, but it seems as though i’ve been adorned with the label for the remainder of the season. CLASSES ARE OVER. i’m so elated, and incredible tired, yet so ready for the upcoming excursions ahead of me. i leave tomorrow for dc, where i’ll remain for a fortnight, and then, when i come back i will have two weeks to myself to finish four books and be content in portland, and perhaps go camping for an evening or two. then it’s time to help save the ocean for a month, where i will, in essence, be out of communication for a chunk of time (but not the entire time, mind you!) when i’m done saving the ocean (july 30th) i have seven days until i’m flying 14hrs to Korea for two weeks. it’s insane to think that i will be out of portland for the majority of the summer, and rather sad too. but i’d much rather be doing all these things than sitting around on the mother-effing monument drinking my fair-trade iced coffee… cos i can do that anyday.

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im really hoping that things don’t get complicated this summer. i don’t want/need/yearn for any sort of drama, and i don’t want to get involved with anyone. it’s actually the truth, which is rare for me to openly admit, but i’m so content with where i’m at and i don’t want it any other way. yesternight was rather cool, it started with joining isaac at the art museum, which i do have to say, was a visit long over due, and then we headed to street & co., where we gorged ourselves in their delectable fare. the panicotta with black currants was just about the best thing i’ve had to eat in a really long time.  miss m is missed dearly by enfin, but i hope she’s having the best time in europe (because if i were her, i’d be at les cafes où je vais fumer des cigarettes et boire du vin rouge).  i need to head up to photoshops and buy some 400s film, which isn’t tri-x because as i’ve recently discovered, tri-x and i don’t get along like carrots and peas. whatta shame. gonna go finish my almond soy milk, take a walk, and work 12-8. long night ahead of me to accompany my busy day schedule. oh la la, what it’s like to be enfin!

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enfin's reality

apartment of the poor

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i had this discussion last evening that shed a lot of life in my values and my main concerns.  i’ve known for quite sometime that i have anxiety, and initially it was thought to have stemmed from the tragedy that happened this past summer.  deep down, i’ve known its been around for quite some time prior to this past summer, but i was talking with a about death, and life and everything. and i used to be terrified of death- i’ve always respected it though.  but anyway, while we were discussing what the cycle of life, this chill took over my body, i just started shaking uncontrollably because its so difficult to fathom that one day you can be sitting in your cubicle, and the next day you’re gone from this planet.  or so we know at this point.  its amazing to think that we’re living our lives just to die. i know that’s sort of a cynical way of thinking about it, but we’ll all end up in the same place at some time or another- yeah? we live for what, a guestimate of 75 years just to die.  think about the people who lived 200 years ago.  its been probably 125 years since they were alive.  talk about some rest.

i’ve always tried to appreciate every day i survive, but sometimes its difficult for me to do so.  but with all these thoughts surrounding death, and tragedy and loss, i suppose you should count your hens and show some thanks.  you’ll never know when your time will be up, and i know that sounds rather cliche coming out of my mouth but the last time i really thought about death, the last time i got nervous for my own death was when i was at least ten years old driving home from poland springs.  i remember how nervous i got, how i began to cry, because when you think about it, death’s emotional.  you leave your earth body. but do you go anywhere afterwards? we all hope we do.  but how can we be sure? we can’t. that’s the beauty of death and life… its all a mystery, and you just have to accept it.

another thing i was thinking about was what it feels like just before you die.  does it hurt? im sure for some…yes. but ive always imagined it feels like a knot sinking deep into your stomach and you have your final exhale where you can clearly feel the knot present, but after a good couple of seconds, it slowly starts to disappear.  during this time i also expect you are ridding yourself of extra baggage and all connections to the earth.

but i’m sort of done talking about this right now. i’m tired, and thoughts are not flowing as they should be.

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