enfin's reality

snowflakes

6:42am, discovered that classes were cancelled.  went back to bed.  10:05am, hit snooze, went back to bed.  11:18am, trout stepped on my stomach, awoke to a whiteout preventing a good gauge of the effects of the storm on my end.  laid in bed, morose, wistful, until midday when a returned from a short trek to the gym.

throbbing headaches, lacking motivation, attempting to get moving six hours too late.  two days left of the week- thank goodness for weekends.  home interview tomorrow evening, then a stitch and bitch in so. po. with a few fellow yogis.  friday renders two quizzes- latin & english, a late night trip to local 188, and proper rest.  as the weekend crawls forward, i have worthwhile plans.  a good bye dinner for meg on saturday evening, tea & scones on sunday with cora, and then dinner plans with three lovely ladies later on that night.  monday= relaxation, homework, sleeping & cleaning.

reading, doing homework, ichat dates, and long bath. + smiles tomorrow.

enfinlove

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enfin's reality

i really want some friends…

do you ever have those days where you feel like the entire world is avoiding you? i’ve had an increasing amount since the beginning of 2010.  i know that i am surely not the most reliable for my friends, seeing as i often pick and choose whether or not to make myself available for them to talk to.  i often make it nearly impossible for them to contact me, and i’m sure that it aggravates them just as much as it aggravates me, but what can i say? i get snappy and the last thing i want to do is start a fight with any of my good friends.  i suppose… a few of them have figured out the best time to call me is first thing in the morning solely because i will always answer due to my refusal to acknowledge who really is calling.

but this past weekend has been difficult nonetheless.  i feel as though my friends are avoiding me like i tend to avoid them.  its not as though i need them, but sure, i’d like to talk with ’em.  and i guess that shows selfishness on my part seeing as i want it on my terms, but come on who isn’t selfish at one point or another in their lives? i accomplished nothing this weekend besides watching a marathon amount of House MD and feeling sorry for myself.  tennis starts tomorrow. i don’t want to play because i don’t like my team. but i need to play because it looks nice on yer college applications. i wanted to talk with a few folks yesterday but they all ignored me. that’s nice. really nice friends. OH i also exposed my current roll of film. that’s two rolls in a row. what the hell is wrong with me? it’s actually the camera’s fault. it wouldn’t rewind my film. damn damn damn. all those pictures for nothing.

today its been 9months. crazy to think, yeah? i’m a bit sad..well more than a bit, but i’m trying not to express it. i don’t know why. all i know is that i wish to sleep for the rest of the day.

enfinlove.

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enfin's reality, links, writing

ouah… le printemps!

spring means:

the cooking blues.


homemade gnocchi: potatoes, salt, flour


pinched and ready for the pot of hot water


brown butter, white wine, and kale and mushroom sauce


really good white wine, popovers, and salad


the finished gnocchi!

it’s been a while.. i do admit that.  this past week got the best of me, not because i was busy, i just got distracted half the time.  i also had a case of the cooking blues which took up more time of each night than originally predicted.  pictured below are some of the many items i’ve prepared this past week!


oh hi fresh veggies- i love you kale and celery.


chicken kale soup, with crispy rosemary parmesean bread


red plum and black berry butter tart!


base of soup

 as you can see… i wasn’t lying about my cooking escapades.  i know that i have been promising my story entitled her and him for quite sometime, maybe even three weeks, but the ending has been really difficult to decide upon.  i’ve even considered publishing it in installments.  perhaps that’s what i’ll do.  i will be blogging regularly as of now.  today its pretty cool outside, although the sun makes it rather deceiving.  i’d love to go for a bikeride and maybe even a picnic, but seeing as the time and temp building reads 38 degrees, i don’t think i’ll do either.  maybe a trip to go thrifting, even though i should be saving all my cash for my trip to quebec in the next couple of weeks.  monday marks the start of the 2010 tennis season.  i don’t really feel like playing but i know that i should, so that’s what i’ll do.  i have a lot of work to do with buy local and with port city music hall, so i think tennis will be on the back-burner until matches start.  i’m also hoping to vacation to cambridge/boston next weekend.  it’d be oh so lovely. i’m really hungry right now, and trout is sitting with me.  this spring has been alright so far. seeing as the weather’s been nice…but i forgot to tell you! thursday it snowed.  isn’t that terrible? by the end of the weekend i’m hoping her and him will be posted, along with whatever sunday scribblings posts as their 208th topic.

give me some ideas for how to spend my weekend.  i guess i could go take photos.

enfinlove

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regulated marilyn monroe thought processes

tonight ended up being unpredictable. sort of.

i got dinner with the dear I, and then after eating (at norms obvious) we went and saw Avatar in 3D! it was pretty sweet, but my eyes hurt after i had to take those glasses off, and i got sad because i found the plot to lack substance. overall, it was a good action-y type film, but nothing i’d watch more than twice.

acdecath, i have no idea the results- i’ll say it that simply. oh and its also brinking on being awake for 22 hours, so my vocabulary has diminished.  i’ll find out how i did for ac decath monday- and i don’t really care. i’m curious as far as debate goes- i’d like to know how we fared. i think i’m going to rest.

i’m feeling: tired, exhausted, sore, excited for friday (and so begins the countdown), the snow/rain/fog sort of thing hitting my bare skin. marilyn’s legs are making too much noise- perhaps the clock will shut off.

enfin

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& i repent all those messages you sent clear as day but in the night- oh i couldn’t get it right

the weather brought me down today- melancholy rain, dreary fog, both characteristics i typically like, but not today.  i was sad, and i remain sad.  i’m feeling anxious, and my therapist for the past 8 or so months has told me in recent visits that she doesn’t like that i’ve become anxious.  i feel bad she doesn’t like that, but its hard for me not to be anxious.  we tried to pin point what it actually is that i’m experiencing anxiety over and in short, sans the psychological jargon, we don’t know.

19 minutes after expected sleep time, i’m laying in my bed, timber timbre steadily playing in the background, multiple candles burning, mind racing, rain falling.  i’m sad, i keep thinking of memories i’d like to bury in the archives within the catacombs of my mind.  the rain is making me cry…silently of course.  i can smell sulfur from the matches i used to light everything burning in this quaint room of mine.  the night has a tint of orange to it, cars seem to be rolling by at a snail’s pace, the streetlights are flickering, and i can hear the neighbor’s bird chirping, this action being the outlier of course.  i loathe this feeling of sorrow, and given my current situation, i have no one to lean on.  even the cats have departed my room amidst the tears.  a friend from the past contaced me today, it was certainly a surprise.  when we talked though, i realized just how jaded i am.  not that i was shocked, just a bit disappointed in myself, i suppose was the primary reaction, with undertones of even more sorrow.  there are constant metronomes in this house- everywhere i go, something is there keeping me on task, something in the back of my mind…all the time.

i hate my tendencies.  how sans metronome, i have no such thing as concentration.  i hate how i have mood swings- frequently, i hate how people call me crazy because my ideas are radical, i hate how often i am perceived in the wrong light.  i hate how i burn bridges when im bored, how i lose friends easily, and make them rarely.  i hate how i get bored, because supposedly, intelligent people aren’t supposed to experience that phenomenon.  i hate how easily musicians relate to my real life.  i hate how my real friends are strewn across the country (oh this stupid nation). i like being rational. i like how easily i am inspired.  i like my imagination and how there are scenarios always playing out. i like how i stay up late to watch the rain. i like how i admire from afar, opposed to alongside.  i like my scrutiny- my sense of importance- how i have a difficult time being comical, how im a cynic, but how i wish i were a romantic.

i don’t think love exists, and unlike most, i’m not sad because of this conclusion. timber timbre is playing at SPACE in april, and Dark Dark Dark is playing at SPACE in march, so that gives me something to look forward to. why am i still up?

why am i still writing? i can’t even contemplate right now.  i want to go dance in the rain, but then i think, for what purpose? well…none seeing as i cant enjoy that with anyone at this day in time. time..another thing that bothers me, and yknow what else really bothers me? falling in love with someone that you know you have no chance with at all. and the sort of falling in love i’m talking about is the worst kind- through prose. someone should inject reason and rationality in me- although the long needles are the ones i can’t look at.

i’m feeling: unfortunate, melancholy, tired, interested, hopeful for a better tomorrow, a sore throat on the rise, and eyes slowly shutting.

let me write passionately sans intereference.

enfin.

as a last minute post-script: sure, I respect death, but I definitely dislike it, especially when it appears in my dreams.

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