enfin's reality

cycling in no particular pattern

karma’s a bitch, and everyone should know that by now.  i’m ready at this point to put behind me all my disappointments and surge forward into what awaits.  it’s only when you’ve been truly alone that you can come to realizations such as these.  i want to find myself relishing in the beauty of the world, find myself learning more about what surrounds me, and find myself content being alone– something that i’ve always had to do.

the weeks have tired me to the bone, and i’m afraid of half the faces in this town.  it’s time to get out, to move on to something better.  the best advice i’ve received is from a friend who, while might be skeptical of me half the time, has come to terms with the importance of our camaraderie.  “don’t settle for anything that leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth” coupled with the insistence that this town isn’t worth my time anymore, i think i’ve come to a new recognition of just how important it is to challenge yourself.  not just in things such as intellectual stimulation, but things such as relationships.  sometimes, you just need to try a bit harder, and as it always seems to go, it’ll be well worth your time, in comparison to settling for something easy, for something that poses no challenge.

but with the changing tides, i’ve learned just who stays close, and thus, it’s them that i know i can rely on.  in the past i’ve fooled myself, thinking that some have cared ridiculous amounts for me, only to be disappointed by the truth being that this was far from the truth.  so now, with the opportunity to leave, comes the opportunity to enjoy myself for seven months.  portland, despite the fact that for the past year or so, you’ve given me trouble, it’s now time for me to call upon all the reasons why i love you.  now it’s time to be involved in what it is that i want to be involved in.  it’s time to get better, to climb out of this rut, and seize the last opportunity i have to thoroughly enjoy the past 18 years.  hence, a new beginning ensues.  from now on, my communication is limited to the people who have made my life easier and happier.  and as i began this post, i shall end it.  karma is a bitch.  take that from me.


enfin's reality

predictably sulking enfin

i swear to god, why the fuck am i so stupid? i’m so tired of the same shit happening over and over again, and somehow, I never see it coming.  or maybe i do and i just enjoy sulking in my own misery.  i just want to apply to schools and get the fuck out of this town.  mr. i was right when he told me that i have nothing keeping me here.  it’s time for a change of pace to say the very least.  i guess i’ll start the countdown for my departure for Vietnam… that’s not too far away– relatively speaking.  a great way to start the fucking week.

enfin's reality

flood of sorrow

today it’s been 21 months since my father passed away (the 28th).  i’ve had a rough day- though i feel as if i’ve concealed it well up until a few hours ago.  it’s just been a really weird month for me, and more than anything i just wish i could see him and tell him everything i didn’t have the chance to before he left for good.

i haven’t forgotten him, nor will i ever, but today my missing of him is a bit more profound than the typical day.

buenos noches

enfin's reality, pop culture

yogi breaths

that’s all i’ve been doing all day.  this has been possibly the worst weekend i’ve experienced in a while.  i’ll gladly take a hangover during work any day over what’s happened in the past two days.

i hate how people don’t understand what effect their words have on me.  they don’t even know it, in fact, it will never ever occur to them that the smallest things that they perceive to be entirely justified absolutely kill me inside.

work has been absolutely swamped this weekend, and today there really wasn’t a moment to breathe, which really did a number on me.  especially since i spent a good deal of time in the hospital yesterday, with my grandmother which was emotionally taxing.  there have been numerous moments where i just want to break down and cry, and there have been the same amount of moments where i’ve wanted to shriek until my voice left me forever.  there’s just so much going on, and the people who should be there, aren’t, and it all feels like a repeat of june 2009.

i leave bright and early for montreal tomorrow.  i’m pretty excited to be frank, but i know that i’m bringing over so much stress and anxiety, which i obviously wish i could leave behind in the US.

in regards to the social sector of my life, i feel like there have been so many hills and valleys in the past few weeks, and i’m just so tired of it all.  i’m tired of people saying one thing, and then doing other things that just completely negate their words.  i’m tired of being disappointed and easily irritated.  and also, some people just need to chill the fuck out, and learn to account for their words and actions in a responsible manner.

at this moment, the only things i’m looking forward to are work next weekend, dinner at Hugo’s on the 8th, and going back to school.  i don’t really have any desire to spend time with people over break unless they’re family members.  everyone else, i’ve just realized i’m very short with and will more than likely snap at.

a nice cup of iced vietnamese coffee would do me a world of wonder right now.  and perhaps when i wake up at 5am, i’ll want to be social again.  maybe it’s just the fact that i’m absolutely exhausted that i feel this way right now.  it could also be that i’m very sad and very lonely.  but whatever the reason, i hope it gets resolved sooner rather than later.

then again, i’ve been known to dwell in my sorrow- but, i’ll try not to do that now.


enfin's reality, links, music

a weekend wasted

same routine, too much coffee, too many headaches, one too many disappointments.

maybe next weekend will be better.

post scriptum: the upside is that i finally got my pumpkin protein odwalla i’ve been craving since the beginning of autumn.  & here is a bit of a treat.  click this for a free download of the tallest man on earth concert.

enfin's reality, music, photography


j. ledue photo

this week passed by in what seemed like a very drawn out moment.  i jammed out to dark dark dark at space with some pals, and i got tea with some friends, practiced a lot of yoga, made a lot of food, slept a grand total of 16 hours over the entirety of the week, and then painted myself in glow in the dark paint, dressed up as a girl scout, and got crunk to MJ with lyllie.  last evening was the highlight, just because everything was just a hot mess.  i mean, i suppose what i learned is that i’m really grateful that i have such good female friends, and i’m also glad that they are who they are. 

this morning started out fantastically, what with making a potato frittata and homemade granola for lyllie, and relaxing.  then the day started to turn for the worse.  as it seems to be a predictable pattern, i sulked over “spilled milk” if you will, and tried to better my overall mood with a big cup of black coffee, which i only drink when i’m off the wall angry.  but my femme friends were there to try to help me- and they did, sort of.  i’m glad that they were, because if they weren’t then i’d still be fuming opposed to now being solely frustrated.  as far as what the day shall bring, i’m unsure.  i don’t care at this point.  i just want to go do something fun to relieve my mind of this current agitation.

alien girl scoutz

maybe i’ll just go take a nap and listen to some records. or maybe i’ll go read on the promenade, though i don’t feel like walking up there for the second time today.  maybe i’ll just watch every episode of jaime oliver at home.  or perhaps i’ll just conjure up a menu for the dinner party that i’m planning.  i don’t know.  i suppose i should update vin et grub.  i hope that tomorrow will be fulfilling.  but then again, i lack plans.  AGH.  i’m indecisive and definitely not eloquent.  MORE coffee wakes the dead.  sleepysleepysleepysleep.

this photo was taken by m. nichols- isn’t it fantastic? it’s so beautiful.

lovelovelove and indecisiveness.

enfin's reality, photography

don’t stop

this rain needs to END.  i don’t need to feel any worse than i currently am- and the rain always adds on to that.  tired of running- though my body needs to move, because i haven’t moved it in quite sometime.

i miss kimchi.  i miss b108.  i miss seoul and everything it has to offer.  cambridge is disappointing.  oona’s got screwed over and is now cleaner and more organized than i see fit.  a stag visit to garment district tomorrow, followed by a sean kingston concerto.

it seems as though once your life begins changing, it continues to change and change and change, and then you’re left with a pile of befuddlement, and you don’t quite know what to do.  in my case, i suppose all i can do, is read, learn, run, and make do with the situation i’ve got.  maybe a vacation is in order… though i suppose this one hasn’t ended quite yet.

perhaps in this instance, distance is for the greater good- and whatever is there may survive (though knowing how i work, it won’t).  i can dream though.  awaiting on fucking photoshops to develop my shit- though i’ll be incredibly reluctant to look at the photos because i’ll just be even more weary of my surroundings.

so it goes… life is

everything and nothing.  why can’t you just be next to me thinking these thoughts and making this normal?