enfin's reality

flood of sorrow

today it’s been 21 months since my father passed away (the 28th). ย i’ve had a rough day- though i feel as if i’ve concealed it well up until a few hours ago. ย it’s just been a really weird month for me, and more than anything i just wish i could see him and tell him everything i didn’t have the chance to before he left for good.

i haven’t forgotten him, nor will i ever, but today my missing of him is a bit more profound than the typical day.

buenos noches

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enfin's reality

(conflict)

trouble inside.ย  i had to part with my dearest sassy yesterday… it was perhaps one of the most difficult days of my life, and it was so terrible to see her in such a horrendous state.ย  i’ve lived with her for the past thirteen years, and i suppose it still feels like she’s here.ย  little trout keeps searching for her comrade, but she is nowhere to be found.ย  i already miss sassy’s venegeful stares, fiesty moods, and endearing nature.ย  she was always there… and i’ll never forget her.ย  so in short, i am emotionally drained, tired beyond imagination, and a bit blue.

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insecurities popping up.ย  i’m trying my hardest to hinder them.ย  this always seems to happen, but we’ll just hope that for once i can push them out of my mind.ย  wuthering and failing bonds, friendships dying, taking their toll.ย  not knowing who was here first and who will always be here.ย  inner conflicts, learning its only fair to confront rather than avoid.

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regardless, i’m trying to retain a sense of happiness.ย  i’m trying to understand that prevalent emotion that i’ve convinced myself hasn’t left fully.ย  this time of the year brings much saddness and much joy, but i can’t be so sure that it will be the same as last year.ย  i think back to my father, i think of the bridges burned, the changes that have overcome everyone and everything.ย  it’s something inevitable… this sorrow, no matter how much i cook, no matter how much i distract, my mind wanders back to thoughts that will forever make me sad.ย  but here, i’ll try.ย  i’m saying it so i mean it.ย 

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it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow.ย  i’m quite excited because i love her so much.ย  we’re planning on reservations at FIGA (see vin et grub on friday) and yoga at Lila.ย  it’s been a sad week, and perhaps this is what’s needed to lift our spirits.ย today, some people made me smile, they took my mind off of the insecurities and the sorrow, and i was glad.ย  but now, i’m deliriously tired, i can barely fathom what’s to come, and words aren’t making sense.ย  i miss my best friend, i miss my kitten, i miss the feeling of no pressure.ย  i want to see my family, stay with them until i’m reassured of their presence.ย  i want to be firm in mind, and firm in spirits.

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

adventures

lately i feel as though life has been rather dismal. i suppose the climate has been part of the reason, and then the return to hell has also encouraged negative emotions. i’m sure many would classify this as a “typical” angsty rant, but it is in no way that- esp if you know me personally. school has become incredibly difficult to bear- seeing as its the home stretch, and i am left with 31 days of classes as of the present moment. 43 days in total. i never have been completely comfortable in school, but as of today, i realized just how much i don’t fit in.ย  is it me, or am i crazy? sitting in french, the only person actually doing their work, while everyone else mingled and browsed the web- not to say that i didn’t.ย minding my business, making sure to avoid conversation with my classmates, i look up only to be met with the infuriated face of the class douche bag. his eyes- intent, searing even. he demands the eight dollars i owe him, which i would have gladly given to him, if he had stopped right there. but being the class douche bag, means you must follow protocol. he tells me how i’ve avoided him for two weeks. pardon my french, but no fucking way. north carolina one week- no classes the other. why would i have called him up (not to say i even have his digits) and ask him to meet me downtown so i could give him eight dollars. two more minutes into his rant he tells me he has no money to his name, besides the two dollars in his pocket. my mind was already made up at this point- if he was treating me so disrespectfully, why in hadestown, would i give him the money that i supposedly owe him? he could certainly work for it a bit harder, and he could certainly treat me a bit nicer. in the end, when i got mouthy with him, shot him a “well i’m not working either, and the fact that you’re disrupting the entire class, making a scene and presenting yourself as a tool, is rather immature, and that in no way, makes me want to give you money,” he glares at me, telling me he’ll get his fucking money, and i tell him, he sure as hell will- but all in good time mind you. he “mellows out” or so he claims, but i hear him tell the only other male in our class that he will punch me if i don’t give him his money. to that, all i have to say is suck it. he won’t be getting his eight dollars anytime soon, especially with threats and arrogance added into the mix.

besides that encounter, i also speculated on the majority of kids who i spend the majority of my day with. everyone is upset in one part of their life, so in an odd way… we’re all on the same boat. sounds kind of ridiculous, seeing as i’m rather claustrophobic, and the last thing i’d ever do to myself is take a confining trip with these people. i can’t work… not for a few weeks. retail is slow- what can i say? and i’m not one to work weekends.ย  tomorrow, ten entire months have passed since i lost my father. it’s bewildering to think of that- to think of how quickly time passes. i can already tell that today (tomorrow?) will not be a good day for me. i’m cramming every free moment with things i ought to busy myself with- especially homework assignments.

for the past month or so i’ve been faced with serious writer’s block, and its gotten to the point where i can’t even figure out the beginning to a new story.ย  all i want to do is write…. and i suppose that’s all i’ll do. its important i get some sleep, seeing as that’s the only thing that allows me to clear my head. perhaps i should call m for morale, or maybe even a… what good will come of either of those phone calls though? whether or not its worth the risk… i’m still uncertain.

enfinoui

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