enfin's reality

flood of sorrow

today it’s been 21 months since my father passed away (the 28th).  i’ve had a rough day- though i feel as if i’ve concealed it well up until a few hours ago.  it’s just been a really weird month for me, and more than anything i just wish i could see him and tell him everything i didn’t have the chance to before he left for good.

i haven’t forgotten him, nor will i ever, but today my missing of him is a bit more profound than the typical day.

buenos noches

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enfin's reality

29972_or_large

i know that vices are bad, but c’mon, any new vin de pays must be sacrificed for. obtained two heirloom zippos today, drank 10x the caffine i should have, now i’m layin’ low watching its always sunny in phili & entourage season 6.  preppin’ for a mornin’ adventure in homage to joey c., and a long day at work tomorrow.

at least i’ll make some money.  the tao of pooh…hopefully finished by tomorrow evening.  and tryin’ to get some sketches finished.

enfinoui

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

adventures

lately i feel as though life has been rather dismal. i suppose the climate has been part of the reason, and then the return to hell has also encouraged negative emotions. i’m sure many would classify this as a “typical” angsty rant, but it is in no way that- esp if you know me personally. school has become incredibly difficult to bear- seeing as its the home stretch, and i am left with 31 days of classes as of the present moment. 43 days in total. i never have been completely comfortable in school, but as of today, i realized just how much i don’t fit in.  is it me, or am i crazy? sitting in french, the only person actually doing their work, while everyone else mingled and browsed the web- not to say that i didn’t. minding my business, making sure to avoid conversation with my classmates, i look up only to be met with the infuriated face of the class douche bag. his eyes- intent, searing even. he demands the eight dollars i owe him, which i would have gladly given to him, if he had stopped right there. but being the class douche bag, means you must follow protocol. he tells me how i’ve avoided him for two weeks. pardon my french, but no fucking way. north carolina one week- no classes the other. why would i have called him up (not to say i even have his digits) and ask him to meet me downtown so i could give him eight dollars. two more minutes into his rant he tells me he has no money to his name, besides the two dollars in his pocket. my mind was already made up at this point- if he was treating me so disrespectfully, why in hadestown, would i give him the money that i supposedly owe him? he could certainly work for it a bit harder, and he could certainly treat me a bit nicer. in the end, when i got mouthy with him, shot him a “well i’m not working either, and the fact that you’re disrupting the entire class, making a scene and presenting yourself as a tool, is rather immature, and that in no way, makes me want to give you money,” he glares at me, telling me he’ll get his fucking money, and i tell him, he sure as hell will- but all in good time mind you. he “mellows out” or so he claims, but i hear him tell the only other male in our class that he will punch me if i don’t give him his money. to that, all i have to say is suck it. he won’t be getting his eight dollars anytime soon, especially with threats and arrogance added into the mix.

besides that encounter, i also speculated on the majority of kids who i spend the majority of my day with. everyone is upset in one part of their life, so in an odd way… we’re all on the same boat. sounds kind of ridiculous, seeing as i’m rather claustrophobic, and the last thing i’d ever do to myself is take a confining trip with these people. i can’t work… not for a few weeks. retail is slow- what can i say? and i’m not one to work weekends.  tomorrow, ten entire months have passed since i lost my father. it’s bewildering to think of that- to think of how quickly time passes. i can already tell that today (tomorrow?) will not be a good day for me. i’m cramming every free moment with things i ought to busy myself with- especially homework assignments.

for the past month or so i’ve been faced with serious writer’s block, and its gotten to the point where i can’t even figure out the beginning to a new story.  all i want to do is write…. and i suppose that’s all i’ll do. its important i get some sleep, seeing as that’s the only thing that allows me to clear my head. perhaps i should call m for morale, or maybe even a… what good will come of either of those phone calls though? whether or not its worth the risk… i’m still uncertain.

enfinoui

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enfin's reality

and what comes after, we don’t know

joey c. don’t mess with me

so it’s been exactly nine months since my father passed away.  it’s easy for me to say that it feels like no time has passed, and it’s also easy for me to say that over the past nine months i’ve had my ups and downs.  his passing didn’t hit me until November and every month it gets progressively worse.  this month though… i’m not sure.  i am filled with a deep sadness, but perhaps because i’ve been thinking about what comes after life lately i’m a bit preoccupied with curiousity rather than ruefulness.  i wish he hadn’t passed, and i’m sure anyone who has experienced a tragedy like losing a parent to a freak accident can and will attest to what i just said.

for the first time in my entire life though, i feel like i know him… even though i really don’t.  i see where my sarcasm stems from, where my love of hardcore rap, the 80s, and good literature originated from.  i’ve learned of his abusive childhood, of his beautiful handwriting, of his mistakes, and his triumphs.  i forgave him before he died, and i’m glad i did. its difficult to say that i don’t feel guilty, and i know that i had nothing to do with his death, how i had no way to prevent it. but i still wish i could have apologized to him and told him that even though his mistakes were mistakes i forgave him.  i regret not speaking my mind, simply because life is too short, and with that, from this day forward, my mind will be spoken, and i won’t hold back.  he’s taught me that vivacity is key, being frank and upfront is necessary, and sugarcoating is just another way of beating around the bush.  i wish he were here to see me graduate, to see me live life, to see cole enter high school and move onto college.  i wish i wish i wish. but wishes never come true. here are a few things that are dedicated to him:

someone told me that my dad gave them the best present they ever received. he got them their dog, their best friend, their companion.  another person told me that joey c used to bring them thanksgiving dinners when they had to work the late shift on thanksgiving.  he seemed like a guy of giving… just to his friends and not to cole or me.  perhaps he was scared he’d mess us up like his father messed him up.  i’m really glad that he shared cooking with me though, because that’s one thing i’ll never grow tired of! someday…someday i hope to meet him again. and who knows when that day will come.  all i know is that i miss him dearly, and i know he’s with me when i need him,

enfinlove (oh and enfin needs some support)

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enfin's reality

i really want some friends…

do you ever have those days where you feel like the entire world is avoiding you? i’ve had an increasing amount since the beginning of 2010.  i know that i am surely not the most reliable for my friends, seeing as i often pick and choose whether or not to make myself available for them to talk to.  i often make it nearly impossible for them to contact me, and i’m sure that it aggravates them just as much as it aggravates me, but what can i say? i get snappy and the last thing i want to do is start a fight with any of my good friends.  i suppose… a few of them have figured out the best time to call me is first thing in the morning solely because i will always answer due to my refusal to acknowledge who really is calling.

but this past weekend has been difficult nonetheless.  i feel as though my friends are avoiding me like i tend to avoid them.  its not as though i need them, but sure, i’d like to talk with ’em.  and i guess that shows selfishness on my part seeing as i want it on my terms, but come on who isn’t selfish at one point or another in their lives? i accomplished nothing this weekend besides watching a marathon amount of House MD and feeling sorry for myself.  tennis starts tomorrow. i don’t want to play because i don’t like my team. but i need to play because it looks nice on yer college applications. i wanted to talk with a few folks yesterday but they all ignored me. that’s nice. really nice friends. OH i also exposed my current roll of film. that’s two rolls in a row. what the hell is wrong with me? it’s actually the camera’s fault. it wouldn’t rewind my film. damn damn damn. all those pictures for nothing.

today its been 9months. crazy to think, yeah? i’m a bit sad..well more than a bit, but i’m trying not to express it. i don’t know why. all i know is that i wish to sleep for the rest of the day.

enfinlove.

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Uncategorized

numbers are a man-made science

In regards to…

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today, i awoke with a feeling so dim and desolate i thought i could’ve been a character in any short story of Edgar Allen Poe.  i learned a few things: people in coffee shops are growing increasingly ignorant and nosy, the earlier you write papers the better they tend to be,  the application of constant pressure on oneself is detrimental, and i don’t care for matches or any other implements that can be used to create fire.

right now, an hour before i retire to my down comforter, i feel: anxious, as though i have lost all methods of concentration, a bit of spite towards the unknown, false hope, and lastly indifferent to the opinion of people.

my clock regulates my thoughts- how kim jong il of me.  wake me up when the world knows how to say, “I love you,” opposed to “i luv u”.

ever yours,

EOxo

just as a post script: i’d really enjoy finding someone who would also be willing to blog on enfin, or even go on a few photography expeditions.  let me know! xx.

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