enfin's reality

laying in the snow

today, nothing went as planned.  but maybe that was the plan?

sometimes i’d love to disappear.

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enfin's reality

fevrier

happy february! or, as most people in new england would beg to differ, sad february.  who knew that one day could bring along so much hype and end with such sorrow.  well, for all those who suffered a loss this evening- i’m sure tom brady will do his best to patch things up next year.  moving on…

so far, this month has been ridiculous.  i’ve had the strangest encounters in quite some time- odd reconnections, get-togethers that have rendered tears and stormy emotions, yearnings which i’m tried to oppress (yet continue to have?), a weird allergy attack, and incessant hints at something that shouldn’t be hinted at.  strange tides.  what else is there to say?

one of my best friends just arrived back in the united states, and i’m so glad that i get to see her tomorrow.  it’s an overdue reunion that just needs to happen.  this week yields a particularly interesting lineup of events in addition to my reunion, a knife-skills lesson, followed by a comprehensive meeting for portland’s underground dining club, a dessert date, an appointment to finish (or start?) my sleeve with Gemma, triple shifts, and bread-pudding perfecting trials.  it’s just an interesting feeling… to be sought after (for company and things of that nature).  i’m just not used to it.  if only, if only, i could just find myself in a position i was in a few months ago- warm and not alone.  i miss it.

xoxo,

enfin

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enfin's reality

it’s awfully cold here

ever since i flipped the page of my calendar from november to december, it’s been frigid out.  even though time and temp read a whopping 48 degrees around noon today, i was busy shivering whilst walking up the street.  my apartment lacks heat, despite several calls to the management, and the three blankets that i’ve had on my bed since early october are no longer bringing me any comfort.  i’m tired of winter already- despite the fact that it hasn’t even begun.  what do i have to look forward to in the month of december, you ask.  a lot of things. actually, the following:

hearing back from auParis, Seattle U, Fordham, and L&C
the end of my final real semester at waynflete
a solstice reservation at Daniel Humm’s Eleven Madison Park in Manhattan
cooking christmas dinner for my entire family, can you say, hello bacon wrapped pork tenderloin?
a local 188/sonny’s christmas bash

but still, december is a month of darkness and blatant chill.  the month of january is also primarily the same thing- with the exception of the 6th, because we all know what that means.  i just hope i can get warmed up this holiday season.  i need to be, especially after how shitty this past autumn was.

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enfin's reality

it’s a matter of days (a letter)

while it might seem like a ways away, keep in mind it’s less than what it will feel like.  despite being torn up inside about it, i just keep reminding myself that it is closer than i think, and soon i won’t be alone, but i’ll be able to stand next to you.  i’m here for you and i hope you’ll be here for me as well.  perhaps we should discuss where we should make a dinner reservation for early january.

xx,

enfin

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enfin's reality

reality

It just dawned on me that in less than 365 days, I will be so far away from this town, regardless of what happens in the next month.  The possibility of moving to France, Montreal, Seattle, the Bronx, or the other Portland is ridiculously exciting.  This town has been too small for quite some time now, and I need to escape it before it swallows me up.  So here’s to the next 30 days Portland, let’s make it a nice month.  Remind me why I love you again.  And let the final stretch be a good one.

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enfin's reality

predictably sulking enfin

i swear to god, why the fuck am i so stupid? i’m so tired of the same shit happening over and over again, and somehow, I never see it coming.  or maybe i do and i just enjoy sulking in my own misery.  i just want to apply to schools and get the fuck out of this town.  mr. i was right when he told me that i have nothing keeping me here.  it’s time for a change of pace to say the very least.  i guess i’ll start the countdown for my departure for Vietnam… that’s not too far away– relatively speaking.  a great way to start the fucking week.

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