enfin's reality

infatuation

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exam day 1- down, conquered, never to be revived. besdies the test, i had quite the day. i spent an hour or two developing film, and then i came home & made a sandwich. journied to the market house and ran into a few people who mean a good amount to me. learned how to play chess, browsed salvies, met with M, stranded in a hailstorm thunder storm torrential down-pour, cleaned my heart out and made orange soy maple steak. i’m going to finish studying, take a bath, and go to bed. waking up early to cram, drink my almond milk, and get to class on time. summer is tangible.

enfin

postscriptum: after exams, going to the farmer’s market, with mere, looking for dc worthy clothing, and studying a bit. evening falls, scallops sear and the night never ends. early morning trip to the pier to watch the sunrise and eat mangoes and peaches.

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blooming season

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oh moon- what wonderful, half-hearted moon. can’t describe what kind of mood this is. perhaps… in-fucking-furiated. i hate arguments, especially when the other person is too caught up in listening to what they’re talking about opposed to listening to the other person’s POV. i’m sick of all this month has to offer. i’m tired of most people, i’m dreading school more and more each day-and i just feel like i’m slowly losing control of this situation. observation in regards to 5/4/2010: i hate manipulative people who pull cheap cards in the midst of an engaging altercation- one that ought NEVER be used in a nice clean fight, those kids who are high-school crazed (by this I mean, those you see on your way to work, who are wearing onesie pajamas and have their faces painted blue & white for spirit week, or those who insist on wearing their uniform everytime they have a home game, or even those who just don’t seem to get that after high school you go onto to bigger and better doldrums) disgust me, words are more powerful than they may appear, and it looks as though lately my luck has been taking a hiatus and nothing i am hoping for is happening- my best friends are disappearing, and i am getting more and more anti-social as the spring moves on. too bad i suppose. although, could i care any less? probably not.  oh yeah, and to the north deering kids of HR: 107, joke’s on you. i have a tattoo and i’m proud of it, bitches.

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excerpt of a poem by EE Cummings

(While you and i have lips and voices which
are for kissing and to sing with
who cares if some oneeyed son of a bitch
invents an instrument to measure Spring with?

that is some genius poetry my friends.  thank buddah i have one person i can count on for using their creative license properly.

& what do you do with the pieces of a brokenn hearrrt?

nothing. you let them stew. and you cry. and everything that’s typical of homo sapiens. too bad i forget what a broken heat feels like. i’m basically done with homework for the rest of the week. wow. its not like i have anything else to do either. by the way- happy early cinco de mayo.

enfinoui

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dearest, oh dearest.

craving some stuffed peppers and iced nice coffee.

i keep blogging right before i go to bed, and then while in the midst of a terribly good sentence, i fall asleep. shame on enfin for not realizing this trend. anyway! happy last day of avril. it’s been quite a short month- absolutely insane to think that i’ve gotten all the way to late spring and early summer. 2010, as i had wished when it was 2009, has not been up to par to be quite frank. there have been good moments and bad ones, but nothing defining- thus nothing that i will remember the year at this point. this past week has been busy, but certainly not my busiest- in fact, i feel as though i haven’t accomplished jack shit (to be blunt) at school. it only seems like i’ve played tennis- through wind, hail, rain and sunshine- oh and 32 degree weather. i’m still getting into the swing of things- seeing as this is my first week back from april break. three tennis matches- two practices, tonight… last match. i’m not planning on doing too much this weekend- seeing as i feel incredibly lazy right now, so lazy that it seems as though i’ve forgotten how to answer my telephone or even log on to facebook.

i went to SPACE wednesday, surprise surprise, right? it was Johnny Cash Tribute Evening which is held there every year.  all the proceeds went to the betterment of prisons in New England, and there were a bunch of kick ass bands there who spit out the best J. Cash and J. Carter songs. I danced and danced my little heart idle. Prior to that i visited bates- a small oasis in the town of lewiston (which i have always perceived to be trashy… but bates belongs in cambridge bitches). i know that i wouldn’t like attending there, but it was nice to get out of hell for a day.

i know that i’m being wordy… and i’m beating around the bush, so below is a list of truths i’ve been meaning to get out in the open for quite some time but have obviously had a bit of trouble doing:

-i lost my first tennis match
-i am applying to spend a month on the ocean during this summer, where a bunch of students as well as myself will be studying ways to help preserve the world’s biggest ecosystem- the sea.
-i still have writer’s block
-i definitely am not a team player
-i need to work on my attitude

there we go. out in the open. i’m so stoked (oh god, who am i turning into…) for the summer. i’ve been trying to figure out things to do and this would be great- although i am feeling rather pressured because i wanted to (and when i say wanted to… that mean i really wanted to) take a photo class, rent a darkroom at the bakery, be with meredith as much as i could be, work a regular schedule, beach and driving around and because i said that, driver’s ed, spend time in boston teaching le langue d’amour, and of course, go camping. who knows if i’ll even make it into this program- if i do, then wonderful! i’ll totally go about that and help save the ocean, but if i don’t than that’s wonderful too. i won’t be sore either way. i’ve been trying to learn that everything happens for some bigger reason, and i am no longer enticed to know why those sorts of things happen. if i could help change the world in some way, than i would most certainly do so. i hope though, that i will have fun (in fact, i know i will)! the good news about this program though is that its 4 days a week, and there is only one instance where it goes all 7.  the remainder of the week (ie 3 days) belong to me and i can go home etc. plus when we’re hanging intown learning, that means i can just go home when the day is done and do whatever i like then. oooh the advantages of being a child with no strings attached- i must say its a breath of fresh air.

enfinlove (i just gave y’all some)

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adventures

lately i feel as though life has been rather dismal. i suppose the climate has been part of the reason, and then the return to hell has also encouraged negative emotions. i’m sure many would classify this as a “typical” angsty rant, but it is in no way that- esp if you know me personally. school has become incredibly difficult to bear- seeing as its the home stretch, and i am left with 31 days of classes as of the present moment. 43 days in total. i never have been completely comfortable in school, but as of today, i realized just how much i don’t fit in.  is it me, or am i crazy? sitting in french, the only person actually doing their work, while everyone else mingled and browsed the web- not to say that i didn’t. minding my business, making sure to avoid conversation with my classmates, i look up only to be met with the infuriated face of the class douche bag. his eyes- intent, searing even. he demands the eight dollars i owe him, which i would have gladly given to him, if he had stopped right there. but being the class douche bag, means you must follow protocol. he tells me how i’ve avoided him for two weeks. pardon my french, but no fucking way. north carolina one week- no classes the other. why would i have called him up (not to say i even have his digits) and ask him to meet me downtown so i could give him eight dollars. two more minutes into his rant he tells me he has no money to his name, besides the two dollars in his pocket. my mind was already made up at this point- if he was treating me so disrespectfully, why in hadestown, would i give him the money that i supposedly owe him? he could certainly work for it a bit harder, and he could certainly treat me a bit nicer. in the end, when i got mouthy with him, shot him a “well i’m not working either, and the fact that you’re disrupting the entire class, making a scene and presenting yourself as a tool, is rather immature, and that in no way, makes me want to give you money,” he glares at me, telling me he’ll get his fucking money, and i tell him, he sure as hell will- but all in good time mind you. he “mellows out” or so he claims, but i hear him tell the only other male in our class that he will punch me if i don’t give him his money. to that, all i have to say is suck it. he won’t be getting his eight dollars anytime soon, especially with threats and arrogance added into the mix.

besides that encounter, i also speculated on the majority of kids who i spend the majority of my day with. everyone is upset in one part of their life, so in an odd way… we’re all on the same boat. sounds kind of ridiculous, seeing as i’m rather claustrophobic, and the last thing i’d ever do to myself is take a confining trip with these people. i can’t work… not for a few weeks. retail is slow- what can i say? and i’m not one to work weekends.  tomorrow, ten entire months have passed since i lost my father. it’s bewildering to think of that- to think of how quickly time passes. i can already tell that today (tomorrow?) will not be a good day for me. i’m cramming every free moment with things i ought to busy myself with- especially homework assignments.

for the past month or so i’ve been faced with serious writer’s block, and its gotten to the point where i can’t even figure out the beginning to a new story.  all i want to do is write…. and i suppose that’s all i’ll do. its important i get some sleep, seeing as that’s the only thing that allows me to clear my head. perhaps i should call m for morale, or maybe even a… what good will come of either of those phone calls though? whether or not its worth the risk… i’m still uncertain.

enfinoui

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no surprise there

happy st. patrick’s day

i woke up initially at 4am this morning, happy, and vivacious, but those characteristics and feelings dwindled as the morning progressed, in fact, i fell back asleep, and ended up being late to school.  i failed a math quiz…. and there’s no room for hope there.  by fail, i mean, less than a 60.  i know the material too, i just sort of froze up and the content of chapter 8 flew out of my mind.  so much for luck of the irish.  in english, i got the highest grade on the scarlet letter test, so i was happy about that.  but since first block, my hopes have been crushed.  crushed i tell you.  i’d really just like this day to end already. i know i should “cherish” every moment of every day, but on a day like this st. patty’s day, i don’t see that state of mind possible.

i’ve been working on a story, a good one, so that should be posted at some point today, probably with a weak ending.

i’m feeling: like i have no hope, tired, done with hell, a bit strained, happy its wednesday, ready for a coffee from rabs.  also, i’d lovee to dive into a book…a very well-known book, the sound and the fury by one of my favorite authors, William Faulkner.

enfin love.

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