enfin's reality, music, photography

deterioration

j. ledue photo

this week passed by in what seemed like a very drawn out moment.ย  i jammed out to dark dark dark at space with some pals, and i got tea with some friends, practiced a lot of yoga, made a lot of food, slept a grand total of 16 hours over the entirety of the week, and then painted myself in glow in the dark paint, dressed up as a girl scout, and got crunk to MJ with lyllie.ย  last evening was the highlight, just because everything was just a hot mess.ย  i mean, i suppose what i learned is that i’m really grateful that i have such good female friends, and i’m also glad that they are who they are.ย 

this morning started out fantastically, what with making a potato frittata and homemade granola for lyllie, and relaxing.ย  then the day started to turn for the worse.ย  as it seems to be a predictable pattern, i sulked over “spilled milk” if you will, and tried to better my overall mood with a big cup of black coffee, which i only drink when i’m off the wall angry.ย  but my femme friends were there to try to help me- and they did, sort of.ย  i’m glad that they were, because if they weren’t then i’d still be fuming opposed to now being solely frustrated.ย  as far as what the day shall bring, i’m unsure.ย  i don’t care at this point.ย  i just want to go do something fun to relieve my mind of this current agitation.

alien girl scoutz

maybe i’ll just go take a nap and listen to some records. or maybe i’ll go read on the promenade, though i don’t feel like walking up there for the second time today.ย  maybe i’ll just watch every episode of jaime oliver at home.ย  or perhaps i’ll just conjure up a menu for the dinner party that i’m planning.ย  i don’t know.ย  i suppose i should update vin et grub.ย  i hope that tomorrow will be fulfilling.ย  but then again, i lack plans.ย  AGH.ย  i’m indecisive and definitely not eloquent.ย  MORE coffee wakes the dead.ย  sleepysleepysleepysleep.

this photo was taken by m. nichols- isn’t it fantastic? it’s so beautiful.

lovelovelove and indecisiveness.

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enfin's reality

apartment of the poor

veritas vitas

i had this discussion last evening that shed a lot of life in my values and my main concerns.ย  i’ve known for quite sometime that i have anxiety, and initially it was thought to have stemmed from the tragedy that happened this past summer.ย  deep down, i’ve known its been around for quite some time prior to this past summer, but i was talking with a about death, and life and everything. and i used to be terrified of death- i’ve always respected it though.ย  but anyway, while we were discussing what the cycle of life, this chill took over my body, i just started shaking uncontrollably because its so difficult to fathom that one day you can be sitting in your cubicle, and the next day you’re gone from this planet.ย  or so we know at this point.ย  its amazing to think that we’re living our lives just to die. i know that’s sort of a cynical way of thinking about it, but we’ll all end up in the same place at some time or another- yeah? we live for what, a guestimate of 75 years just to die.ย  think about the people who lived 200 years ago.ย  its been probably 125 years since they were alive.ย  talk about some rest.

i’ve always tried to appreciate every day i survive, but sometimes its difficult for me to do so.ย  but with all these thoughts surrounding death, and tragedy and loss, i suppose you should count your hens and show some thanks.ย  you’ll never know when your time will be up, and i know that sounds rather cliche coming out of my mouth but the last time i really thought about death, the last time i got nervous for my own death was when i was at least ten years old driving home from poland springs.ย  i remember how nervous i got, how i began to cry, because when you think about it, death’s emotional.ย  you leave your earth body. but do you go anywhere afterwards? we all hope we do.ย  but how can we be sure? we can’t. that’s the beauty of death and life… its allย a mystery, and you just have to accept it.

another thing i was thinking about was what it feels like just before you die.ย  does it hurt? im sure for some…yes. but ive always imagined it feels like a knot sinking deep into your stomach and you have your final exhale where you can clearly feel the knot present, but after a good couple of seconds, it slowly starts to disappear.ย  during this time i also expect you are ridding yourself of extra baggage and all connections to the earth.

but i’m sort of done talking about this right now. i’m tired, and thoughts are not flowing as they should be.

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