enfin's reality, Uncategorized, writing

aura of envy

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i don’t think i have any other words to describe my feelings right now besides envious.  its true that for the past i don’t know, 11 months i’ve firmly held my ground and could have cared less about whether or not i had a companion of sorts.  its true that i still feel that way, but something about the photo displayed above set me over the edge,  envy is building and there is no stopping it.  of course, i’m not the sort of person who is going to go out and seek a companion out.  im tired of that game.  there aren’t really prospects in my reach because of reasons out of my control.  there are factors that happen to restrict prospects which i have discussed in-depth with the lovely M.  to add on to that train of thought- mere and i have been discussin’ our flat.  we’re extreemly excited to eventually be getting a haus of our own! i think she’ll be ashamed of my uncleanliness however, but that’s something i’m willing to sacrifice.  we’ve also considered opening our own restaurant called zest where you bring us the ingredients and we’ll prepare something that includes the provisions that are providide.  of course, the logistics aren’t detailed, and we both know that we’d be inefficient and unable to stay on task, but that’s life, isn’t it? this afternoon we’re going on our first photo excursion of the new england spring, and we’re both looking forward to it! i need to pick up film tomorrow, and oh yes! how did i forget, m is going to be the official photographer on enfinoui this summer (of course, my photos will be displayed, but she is going to help out a ton) she may help with lookbook too (which reminds me; i need to get on planning a new outfit and shoot, hmm….ideas?)

anyway, going back to my rant about companions.  i’d like one, yes, but i can also live without it, seeing as i’ve fared well these past 11 months, and in addition to that, i’ve also fared well prior to the most recent relationship of mine which ended for good cause *amen and thank god*. <– i just realized how funny that happens to be seeing as god n’exist pas dans ma tete! but yes, a companion would be nice.  someone to cook for and watch black and white movies with.  someone to fall asleep next to, and to parade up the congo.  someone to come thrifting with me, and sit on the floor listening to vinyl and sip chamomille with.  someone to go on walks on the west end with, and take rolls of magnificent film with!  someone who joins me for late brunches on sundays, someone who thinks latin is fun, and who appreciates good literatue, good film, good caffine, and good tv.  someone who likes the same music (plus more) as me, and someone who thinks my mood swings are hilarious.  someone who has undergone some sort of tragedy in their lifetime, someone who likes me just as much as i like them.  someone who finds the concept of i love you to be a part conformist society, and instead we express our feelings through words with merit, not words that are used because you are unable to convey your feelings in any other way so you turn to the easiest phrase, known to man kind and spit it out.  i’m picky- yes, but i need to be.  after settling for less than my usual standards in the past, its become more than apparent that standards have to be met or else there’s no purpose in having a companion.  perhaps i’ll stumble upon someone someday- and perhaps i’ve already stumbled upon them. 

more fiction pieces are coming out tonight! along with some lovely photos from today’s excursion, and maybe even a link to a certain prose that i happen to be awaiting.

enfin

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& i repent all those messages you sent clear as day but in the night- oh i couldn’t get it right

the weather brought me down today- melancholy rain, dreary fog, both characteristics i typically like, but not today.  i was sad, and i remain sad.  i’m feeling anxious, and my therapist for the past 8 or so months has told me in recent visits that she doesn’t like that i’ve become anxious.  i feel bad she doesn’t like that, but its hard for me not to be anxious.  we tried to pin point what it actually is that i’m experiencing anxiety over and in short, sans the psychological jargon, we don’t know.

19 minutes after expected sleep time, i’m laying in my bed, timber timbre steadily playing in the background, multiple candles burning, mind racing, rain falling.  i’m sad, i keep thinking of memories i’d like to bury in the archives within the catacombs of my mind.  the rain is making me cry…silently of course.  i can smell sulfur from the matches i used to light everything burning in this quaint room of mine.  the night has a tint of orange to it, cars seem to be rolling by at a snail’s pace, the streetlights are flickering, and i can hear the neighbor’s bird chirping, this action being the outlier of course.  i loathe this feeling of sorrow, and given my current situation, i have no one to lean on.  even the cats have departed my room amidst the tears.  a friend from the past contaced me today, it was certainly a surprise.  when we talked though, i realized just how jaded i am.  not that i was shocked, just a bit disappointed in myself, i suppose was the primary reaction, with undertones of even more sorrow.  there are constant metronomes in this house- everywhere i go, something is there keeping me on task, something in the back of my mind…all the time.

i hate my tendencies.  how sans metronome, i have no such thing as concentration.  i hate how i have mood swings- frequently, i hate how people call me crazy because my ideas are radical, i hate how often i am perceived in the wrong light.  i hate how i burn bridges when im bored, how i lose friends easily, and make them rarely.  i hate how i get bored, because supposedly, intelligent people aren’t supposed to experience that phenomenon.  i hate how easily musicians relate to my real life.  i hate how my real friends are strewn across the country (oh this stupid nation). i like being rational. i like how easily i am inspired.  i like my imagination and how there are scenarios always playing out. i like how i stay up late to watch the rain. i like how i admire from afar, opposed to alongside.  i like my scrutiny- my sense of importance- how i have a difficult time being comical, how im a cynic, but how i wish i were a romantic.

i don’t think love exists, and unlike most, i’m not sad because of this conclusion. timber timbre is playing at SPACE in april, and Dark Dark Dark is playing at SPACE in march, so that gives me something to look forward to. why am i still up?

why am i still writing? i can’t even contemplate right now.  i want to go dance in the rain, but then i think, for what purpose? well…none seeing as i cant enjoy that with anyone at this day in time. time..another thing that bothers me, and yknow what else really bothers me? falling in love with someone that you know you have no chance with at all. and the sort of falling in love i’m talking about is the worst kind- through prose. someone should inject reason and rationality in me- although the long needles are the ones i can’t look at.

i’m feeling: unfortunate, melancholy, tired, interested, hopeful for a better tomorrow, a sore throat on the rise, and eyes slowly shutting.

let me write passionately sans intereference.

enfin.

as a last minute post-script: sure, I respect death, but I definitely dislike it, especially when it appears in my dreams.

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if you stay home you can’t leave

i woke up about ten minutes ago with a throbbing headache, pains flying like a pendelum back and forth from side to side of my skull.  my throat also is creaky and sore and it pinches a bit too.  my dreams last night were empty, and this morning is grey and moist out.  i actually have a really hard time using that word- moist, i’ve never enjoyed it much, always makes me feel a bit awkward and perverse. anyway, because i am responsible and i can’t miss classes today, i’m braving the illness, whatever it may be, and i’m going to get ready now.

enfin.

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