enfin's reality

it’s awfully cold here

ever since i flipped the page of my calendar from november to december, it’s been frigid out.  even though time and temp read a whopping 48 degrees around noon today, i was busy shivering whilst walking up the street.  my apartment lacks heat, despite several calls to the management, and the three blankets that i’ve had on my bed since early october are no longer bringing me any comfort.  i’m tired of winter already- despite the fact that it hasn’t even begun.  what do i have to look forward to in the month of december, you ask.  a lot of things. actually, the following:

hearing back from auParis, Seattle U, Fordham, and L&C
the end of my final real semester at waynflete
a solstice reservation at Daniel Humm’s Eleven Madison Park in Manhattan
cooking christmas dinner for my entire family, can you say, hello bacon wrapped pork tenderloin?
a local 188/sonny’s christmas bash

but still, december is a month of darkness and blatant chill.  the month of january is also primarily the same thing- with the exception of the 6th, because we all know what that means.  i just hope i can get warmed up this holiday season.  i need to be, especially after how shitty this past autumn was.

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enfin's reality

apartment of the poor

veritas vitas

i had this discussion last evening that shed a lot of life in my values and my main concerns.  i’ve known for quite sometime that i have anxiety, and initially it was thought to have stemmed from the tragedy that happened this past summer.  deep down, i’ve known its been around for quite some time prior to this past summer, but i was talking with a about death, and life and everything. and i used to be terrified of death- i’ve always respected it though.  but anyway, while we were discussing what the cycle of life, this chill took over my body, i just started shaking uncontrollably because its so difficult to fathom that one day you can be sitting in your cubicle, and the next day you’re gone from this planet.  or so we know at this point.  its amazing to think that we’re living our lives just to die. i know that’s sort of a cynical way of thinking about it, but we’ll all end up in the same place at some time or another- yeah? we live for what, a guestimate of 75 years just to die.  think about the people who lived 200 years ago.  its been probably 125 years since they were alive.  talk about some rest.

i’ve always tried to appreciate every day i survive, but sometimes its difficult for me to do so.  but with all these thoughts surrounding death, and tragedy and loss, i suppose you should count your hens and show some thanks.  you’ll never know when your time will be up, and i know that sounds rather cliche coming out of my mouth but the last time i really thought about death, the last time i got nervous for my own death was when i was at least ten years old driving home from poland springs.  i remember how nervous i got, how i began to cry, because when you think about it, death’s emotional.  you leave your earth body. but do you go anywhere afterwards? we all hope we do.  but how can we be sure? we can’t. that’s the beauty of death and life… its all a mystery, and you just have to accept it.

another thing i was thinking about was what it feels like just before you die.  does it hurt? im sure for some…yes. but ive always imagined it feels like a knot sinking deep into your stomach and you have your final exhale where you can clearly feel the knot present, but after a good couple of seconds, it slowly starts to disappear.  during this time i also expect you are ridding yourself of extra baggage and all connections to the earth.

but i’m sort of done talking about this right now. i’m tired, and thoughts are not flowing as they should be.

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