enfin's reality, Uncategorized

whatever happened to shams?

why hello. i’m taking a little break from my long evening of homework to endulge in a bit of the blogosphere. i have one or maybe… nine observations to make about today.  the first being- its only 10:20pm and I have finished all my homework due tomorrow and about half that’s due wednesday? whatever has gotten into me… i’m not quite sure, but its certainly fantastic- whatever it is.

secondly, i played a wunderbar match today. i won, 6-1. without difficulty. my partner- e the second and i work wonderfully together, even though most would take that with a grain of salt. we want to get matching uniforms… ie neon spandex and a visor for me and a baseball cap for her. i’m not sure if she was entirely serious though.

third, i feel as though may has turned into this wild month- a: i have spring fever, i’m drowning in deadlines, tennis matches, debate banquets, family visits, pyac commitments, final projects, mainiaining my 98.1818 gpa, while still having a social life of some sort.

my last day of exams is: june 10th, unless we have a freakish blizzard, which i wouldn’t put past mother nature. afterall, i do in fact, live in maine. i’m rushing to get my stuff ready for SOS or the ocean program i mentioned, what was it- friday? my personal deadline for that is wednesday, that’s why i’m clearing my schedule for tomorrow evening, so i can dedicate it to writing and getting everything in nice order.

i haven’t been working lately. not that i feel too bad about this- you see, my job is dead, work is dead. nothing is going on. and i don’t quite feel like helping at the nextdoor business, so i am focusing my energy and my time on tennis. plus if i didn’t do that, my doubles partner would just about have my head.

the clouds parted today and let out this flurry of sunshowers, it was insane to tell you the truth- mainly because i was stuck in a mini van listening to two unsocial geniuses discuss pain killers and migranes. i also had to mind my manners and make sure not to drop any discrepencies in polite company. doug made me white toast today. it was delicious- but i get the feeling i should be more concerned with my health now. i suppose as of the end of this week, i’m going to start going to the gym so i can run. crazy- yeah? i though so too, but here’s to good health.

i will write fiction when i have the time, but right now, being it may, i feel overwhelmed, and i’m trying not to experience any anxiety or stress until the week before finals.

updates will be more frequent as this week nears an end- unless i get unfocused and off task- then you can count on seeing a lot more of enfin in the blogosphere.

ENFINLOVE.

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

adventures

lately i feel as though life has been rather dismal. i suppose the climate has been part of the reason, and then the return to hell has also encouraged negative emotions. i’m sure many would classify this as a “typical” angsty rant, but it is in no way that- esp if you know me personally. school has become incredibly difficult to bear- seeing as its the home stretch, and i am left with 31 days of classes as of the present moment. 43 days in total. i never have been completely comfortable in school, but as of today, i realized just how much i don’t fit in.  is it me, or am i crazy? sitting in french, the only person actually doing their work, while everyone else mingled and browsed the web- not to say that i didn’t. minding my business, making sure to avoid conversation with my classmates, i look up only to be met with the infuriated face of the class douche bag. his eyes- intent, searing even. he demands the eight dollars i owe him, which i would have gladly given to him, if he had stopped right there. but being the class douche bag, means you must follow protocol. he tells me how i’ve avoided him for two weeks. pardon my french, but no fucking way. north carolina one week- no classes the other. why would i have called him up (not to say i even have his digits) and ask him to meet me downtown so i could give him eight dollars. two more minutes into his rant he tells me he has no money to his name, besides the two dollars in his pocket. my mind was already made up at this point- if he was treating me so disrespectfully, why in hadestown, would i give him the money that i supposedly owe him? he could certainly work for it a bit harder, and he could certainly treat me a bit nicer. in the end, when i got mouthy with him, shot him a “well i’m not working either, and the fact that you’re disrupting the entire class, making a scene and presenting yourself as a tool, is rather immature, and that in no way, makes me want to give you money,” he glares at me, telling me he’ll get his fucking money, and i tell him, he sure as hell will- but all in good time mind you. he “mellows out” or so he claims, but i hear him tell the only other male in our class that he will punch me if i don’t give him his money. to that, all i have to say is suck it. he won’t be getting his eight dollars anytime soon, especially with threats and arrogance added into the mix.

besides that encounter, i also speculated on the majority of kids who i spend the majority of my day with. everyone is upset in one part of their life, so in an odd way… we’re all on the same boat. sounds kind of ridiculous, seeing as i’m rather claustrophobic, and the last thing i’d ever do to myself is take a confining trip with these people. i can’t work… not for a few weeks. retail is slow- what can i say? and i’m not one to work weekends.  tomorrow, ten entire months have passed since i lost my father. it’s bewildering to think of that- to think of how quickly time passes. i can already tell that today (tomorrow?) will not be a good day for me. i’m cramming every free moment with things i ought to busy myself with- especially homework assignments.

for the past month or so i’ve been faced with serious writer’s block, and its gotten to the point where i can’t even figure out the beginning to a new story.  all i want to do is write…. and i suppose that’s all i’ll do. its important i get some sleep, seeing as that’s the only thing that allows me to clear my head. perhaps i should call m for morale, or maybe even a… what good will come of either of those phone calls though? whether or not its worth the risk… i’m still uncertain.

enfinoui

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

surrealism

there are a few things i am currently wishing for:

one. i’d like my life to be similar to Amelie Poulain! of course, that won’t happen because no one will be my Nino! but i’ll still wish for that.

two. i’m hoping that my ink sesh will be re-confirmed.  that’s the only reason why i want to go to quebec…

three. i want meredith to stay with me forever and ever.

four. i want to talk to someone, tell them who i am, and hear about who they are.

five. i’d like to write a really good story.

six. i kinda want the weekend to hurry up and get here!

im feeling: tired, happy, ready for some permanent ink, memoria teneo, anxiety fleeting, therapy session tomorrow, artsy artsy with forts and movies and food and laughter.

i want to write…i have this itch. when i was making my way home from norms this evening i wrote this wonderful story in my head.  it was lovely and had a good ending too, but then i was disenchanted when i heard gunshots in the ghetto and panic overtook my body.  luckily i didn’t hear anymore, made my way upstairs, got undressed, took a long shower, watched amelie, and fell asleep on the couch.  i do recall the story, but its late, and seeing as i got four hours of sleep yesterday, i’d really enjoy getting some shut eye tonight.  perhaps i’ll write tomorrow, perhaps i won’t. we’ll see how the day goes.  but i would in fact, love to get another piece up.  my kitty sassy (not trout) is with me on the couch and she is purring loudly. the french soundtrack of yann tiersen is quietly playing in the background. lights are off, but the glow of this screen and the glow of the menacing street lights make the room just as bright as it would be if i had the heart to go turn on the fluourescent light above.  bed…right. that’s where im headed. could use some seltzer and advil.

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Uncategorized, writing

here is the church & here is the steeple

nervously descending the steps i wonder if anyone is watching me.  my steps, a bit intoxicated from the four sam adams consumed a mere thirty minutes before, my head, a bit foggier than usual, mon rythm cardiaque accelerating at the sight of a dark figure waiting in front of the door.  my left arm, covered in a tattoo of a map of the arctic circle, extends to meet the handle of the steel door.  a rush of wind greets me with hospitality and the dark figure turns to meet my gaze.  his hood is pulled up over his head, his eyes, behind those fogged glasses, are indeed, dialated, his throat is parched, and his ears are beet red.  he puts his  left hand on the face of the door and motions with his right hand for me to exit first.  my body obliges, but my eyes remain, intent, on his mysterious visage.  his eyes, follow mine, and a smile creeps to the edges of his face.  no such thing appears on my face, but my soul is warmed by this small gesture.  i begin to walk up the hill to the main road, but my head is still turned back, facing the stranger.  after a brief moment, his silhouette disappears into the building and my head is forced to look onward instead of behind. 

the streets are cold, iced over, abandonned.  the people are sporadically placed, and i, i am just a passerby.  my pace is swifter than normal, perhaps it was the decreasing temperature that fired my energy.  the street lights glowed with a sallow tint, and the stars were nowhere to be spotted.  as i found myself, moving uptown, past the bars, i passed by a group of young men all clad in sable.  their heads were homes to an array of thrifted hats- all of which looked miraculously warm.  each man had a cigarette in hand, and they were conversing amongst themselves.  with my presence however, their colloquies seemed to cease.  all eyes were on me, and i tried to speed up my pace.  i felt my skin flushing, but oh, not pink, my skin flushes even more paler than what most would think is humanly possible.  the last boy i passed blocked my pathway and smiled at me.  i averted eye contact the moment this happened.  hey sweetie, wanna cig? he prodded.  i nodded my head in a manner that was both timid but strong, and his friends pushed him slightly out of the way.  one even called after me a half-hearted apology for their ill-mannered drunken friend.  my walk continued to consume me.  by the time i reached the promenade, the traffic lights were blinking  with their carmine color.  my hands displayed little to no signs of life, and my hair was brittle and feeble.  my eyes glanced around my outdoor environment nervously and spastically.  i saw a bench and headed towards it. 

the bench laid beneath a tall street light, and it faced the wide and endless atlantic ocean.  as i sat on the weathered bench, mon ryhthm cardiaque, stabilized.  i fumbled through my pockets in search for a pack of cigarettes.  pulling out my roomates camel lights, i light one with a zippo that i acquired from working at an irish pub.  the lost and found always presented many treasures for me and my co-workers.  the night seemed to be at a stand-still, and the cars on the overpass, that could also be discerned from this consecrated bench, seemed to pass by at a snail’s pace.  my thoughts were empty, and my breathing was slow.  the world in front of me was simple enough to love, but also, simple enough to detest more than anything else one could imagine detesting.  minutes went by, even though they seemed like hours, and eventually, i wandered back into the real world.  i hear the shuffling of feet approaching from behind.  due to my skittish nature, i turn abruptly to see what challenge faces me tonight.  my eyes detect a lone boy, sporting a ripped black t-shirt with Albert Einstein’s image printed on its chest.  he has a cigarette to his lips, and his free hand remains in his pocket.  he looks incredibly chilled, but no wonder! his shirt barely covers his malnourished torso.  i see his eyes glance at me.  he stops a bit in his tracks, but continues onward.  the moments it takes him to make his way from the pine tree- which happens to be about 25 yards, to where i was sitting, i can’t quite recall, but that’s not the point.  as he passes by, an unknown force is ignited within me.  i leap up from my bench and call after him.

scuse me!

he looks around him, and then his eyes meet mine.  he stops where he is, and i saunter over to him with no idea what to say.

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

the battle of troy

besides discovering my eye disorder, putting bbq sauce on my breakfast sandwich and almost falling asleep in latin and french, my day ended up alright. bela dearest, chopped all my hair off (im actually 100% serious…) but i can’t post photos for a few reasons.  those being: i have none, meredith told me not to (she wants a surprise) and because i’m tired. i’d like to finish my thoughts of an over achiever sooner or later. and i’d like to go to bed. because of my chazalion(liod?) my eyes are screaming, SHUT NOW, SHUT NOW! perhaps i’ll listen to them just this once.

im feeling: tired. (that was short)

enfin

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enfin's reality, Uncategorized

sight is fleeing?

i wonder if my health is deteriorating? when i am concentrating, i often brush my eye-lid lightly with my index finger, and seriously, just five minutes ago, i felt a raised bump on the inside lid. now i’m panicking! what happens if i’m losing my sight!?!?!? in addition, this morning, i got a breakfast sandwich at school, and i thought i spread ketchup on it, but i ended up putting barbeque sauce on it. such a wonderful way to start a wednesday.

———————————-

after researching my health condition, no, i’m not a hypochondriac, i’ve narrowed it down to the following possibilities: one i am going blind (unlikely, but as always worst case scenario comes first), two: chalazion, which is a bump in the eyelid and its just swelling of the glands but still, they can get larger than 1/8th of an inch, and the third possibility is stye and or pink eye, which i’ve had multiple times! its sort of embarrassing. but at the same time, i’m hoping its one of the latter two. i cherish my vision too much to lose it.

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Uncategorized

i am. i am.. i am…

today didn’t bring much to the table of life i suppose.  i believe i felt dread and misery (although, they are the same thing- yes?) when I awoke, but my morning changed when little Trout joined me on the couch and nestled into my lap. unfortunately, that lasted about five mintues before i had to run- which i did, ever so fast.  hell…was exactly that, hell.  the folks are quite difficult to connect with- and i believe i told one to never speak with me as long as either one of us remained alive and breathing.  he asked why i was an angry person and then suggested we spend time together. in response to that. one) i am not an angry person; the reason why i am rude to those who i have no interest in is simply that. i have no interest. two) i do not waste my time with people who i have no interest in- please refer to one. after school got out, i ended up getting tea, i ran into bela, and then ended up at norms for a quick hello to my favorite crew in portland. its unfortunate i’m predictable.

five hours later, i’m at a stranger’s house, babysitting/blogging. i have nothing interesting to say.  TALK IS CHEAP is shaping up.

I am feeling: as though my waist is being squished, hungry, tired, eyebrow itches, wondering what tomorrow brings, hopeful for thursday at 5:15pm and then for Friday at the same time.  What are you hopeful for? If anything..

enfin

as a post-script: i drew friedrich nietzsche today and he looks LOVELY.

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