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venting–excuse my insensitivity

i hate this town.  i hate so many people.  i’m purposely not trying to be diplomatic with my word choice, because honestly, i’m so tired of being p.c. and cautious.  the past six months have sucked, from beginning to end– minute to minute.  i’ve lost too many people to count, sometimes my own fault, sometimes out of my control, sometimes on their own accord.  i’m tired of being left by the people that i’ve come to rely on.  i’m tired of smiling and nodding my head to family members who are irrational.  i’m mostly tired of this environment, constant let-down, and overall disappointing people.

now, i might give forewarning that the following anecdote is incredibly ridiculous, ironic, and contradictory, but it’s necessary, and hey, i’m human.  for the past three weeks in my yoga class, i’ve dealt with fellow students who just cannot keep their composure.  i’ve dealt with their ignorance, rudeness, and overall arrogance.  the iphones at the tops of their mats, the constant chatter, laughter, and judgment have made me wary.  they just don’t understand what yoga means to people.  today, during our 15 minute meditation, i literally felt so angry, and i love mediation.  i wanted to stand up and scream– not yogi of me, i know, but come on! when i can hear you texting, laughing and fidgeting, i’m immediately annoyed.  and when this has been happening for weeks now, i’m even more annoyed.  what’s the point of doing yin yoga if you’re not genuinely interested in the practice? think before you come into a class, as to why you’re going, and if it’s just a big joke to you, maybe reconsider it.

in terms of my losses, i can’t give you an accurate gauge of just how upset I am.  it’s been a few months in this rut, and unfortunately, this past week has only increased the overall despair that i’ve been experiencing.  my own yoga teacher is leaving for 4 months, and i’m very sad to see her go.  my friends are dwindling, and while i’ve never lived by the maxim of it’s quantity not quality, it’s sad to realize that you just can’t count on many people anymore.  i believe that i’m just going to close into myself.  that i’m not going to give a damn about people at all, because i’ve been disappointed and hurt every time i’ve actually done that.  so here’s to a new season– an era of leaving behind what was important.  i’m going to take care of myself, i’m go even deeper into this stupid introspective journey that seems to have been extended.  in the long term, too much baggage, whether it be connections or material items, just doesn’t make sense.  i suppose i’ll just cut my losses and forget my sorrows– it just isn’t worth it anymore.  optimism has been shatter/fractured/annihilated to say the very fucking least.

merry january, i’m taking a long fucking hiatus.

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