enfin's reality

(conflict)

trouble inside.  i had to part with my dearest sassy yesterday… it was perhaps one of the most difficult days of my life, and it was so terrible to see her in such a horrendous state.  i’ve lived with her for the past thirteen years, and i suppose it still feels like she’s here.  little trout keeps searching for her comrade, but she is nowhere to be found.  i already miss sassy’s venegeful stares, fiesty moods, and endearing nature.  she was always there… and i’ll never forget her.  so in short, i am emotionally drained, tired beyond imagination, and a bit blue.

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insecurities popping up.  i’m trying my hardest to hinder them.  this always seems to happen, but we’ll just hope that for once i can push them out of my mind.  wuthering and failing bonds, friendships dying, taking their toll.  not knowing who was here first and who will always be here.  inner conflicts, learning its only fair to confront rather than avoid.

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regardless, i’m trying to retain a sense of happiness.  i’m trying to understand that prevalent emotion that i’ve convinced myself hasn’t left fully.  this time of the year brings much saddness and much joy, but i can’t be so sure that it will be the same as last year.  i think back to my father, i think of the bridges burned, the changes that have overcome everyone and everything.  it’s something inevitable… this sorrow, no matter how much i cook, no matter how much i distract, my mind wanders back to thoughts that will forever make me sad.  but here, i’ll try.  i’m saying it so i mean it. 

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it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow.  i’m quite excited because i love her so much.  we’re planning on reservations at FIGA (see vin et grub on friday) and yoga at Lila.  it’s been a sad week, and perhaps this is what’s needed to lift our spirits. today, some people made me smile, they took my mind off of the insecurities and the sorrow, and i was glad.  but now, i’m deliriously tired, i can barely fathom what’s to come, and words aren’t making sense.  i miss my best friend, i miss my kitten, i miss the feeling of no pressure.  i want to see my family, stay with them until i’m reassured of their presence.  i want to be firm in mind, and firm in spirits.

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