enfin's reality



terribly awkward & terribly shy- it’s how i feel now more than i tend to.  i can’t even produce a sufficient answer as to why, but all i know is that my mind has been biting my tongue lately, if you know the feeling.  i feel myself getting distracted easier than usual, but it’s odd because as of now i’m rather content, and i really don’t distract myself unless i’m sad.  i suppose i have been frustrated- it seems to happen every fall.  i go through these periods of easy agitation which i try to avoid, but i can’t.  & it’s not as if i’m agitated by instances that are worth it even.  i suppose idealism has some part in this awful scheme of things.  but to be honest, i’m not even too sure of what it is i’m talking about.  it’s one of those muttering rambles i seem to spit out when there’s something that i need to figure out.  perhaps i’ll figure it out soon, but that of course depends on things even vaguer than my current thoughts.

it’s all been made rather clear as of late that i’ve made a really good friend upon transferring to my new school.  i have a hard time relaying how i feel about it all, mainly because i’m just so much happier.  it’s almost a reason to upgrade my standards.  for once, i feel completely accepted for the person i am.  no facades, no personas, no reason to impress.  i just am.  i’ve been striving to achieve this ever since beginning my taoist doctrine, and i feel as though i’m in a really great place to prosper.  besides that, i can’t get over the fact that i’m much more agreeable than i used to be.  it’s been a really quick transformation.  i’ve sort of lost that jaded edge, i’ve lost that outward fear of making friends.  now, it’s as if i want to be friends with everyone- and that’s true, actually.  to clarify, i suppose there are certain friendships which i would like to invest in, just because the people are really quite genuine and nice.  i don’t feel as if i’m confined to “my corner of the school” like i was at the old institution.  i just feel… present.  maybe this is all the yoga speaking, but i’m pretty sure it’s my rationality too.

i realized something that i wouldn’t have wanted to realize a year ago, today.  there is no such thing as individualism.  no such thing as being “unique”.  i’ve always been against conforming, ever since I was three or four, but i wouldn’t go as far to say that i went against the grain.  in fact, i’ve always respected people’s differences, but now, i supose i’ve got a greater understanding of these differences and what they actually mean.  everyone gathers elements of their personality from those they surround themselves with.  i’d be arrogant to think that i’m a totally unique person, and that i’ve never been influenced by anyone.  for the past five or six years i’ve openly admitted that i am a product of those i surround myself with, but i never thought of this philosophy on a broader context.  the world is the product of the generations past, and the present generation.  we’ve had our own effect on all aspects of the world.  culture, geography, sociology, et. al.  and now the world is this melting pot of all of us.  in every crevice there is a piece of you, and there is a piece of me.  your great great great grandmother helped lay the foundation for mount everest, and my great great cousin helped inspire the french revolution.  while today, most focus on the current issues of the world, the damage we’ve done, i still think we ought to take a step back, and admire the things we have had a part in creating.  take a moment and see how man and nature has worked together in harmony to create this wonderful environ that is what it is.

i’m ridiculously lazy.  i decided if i were to be one of the seven deadly sins it’d be either “sloth” or “gluttony”.  i’ve increased the amount i’ve been cooking for the sole purpose of giving myself something to look forward to besides empty weekends (full of sleep) and never arriving vacations.  i’ve yet to develop any film from vermont or from around town.  reverting back to the previous sentence… vacations.  i’m so excited.  i can barely contain my excitement.  can you tell? anyway.  dec 26-jan 1, new york city.  shows, restaurants, culinary institute, nyu, parties, camraderie, etc, etc. february break, spent in san fransisco.  looking at smaller school with gastronomy as a major, eating at a few restaurants, meeting up with a few food bloggers, and chiiiillin’ on haight & ashbury. (i apologize for this post having no theme, but it’s been a while since i’ve rambled). HALLOWEEN. rocky horror show, followed by sleepover with wine, records, edgar allen poe, & LA ink. double yoga sesh on friday, champagne cake with blackberries thursday for lyllie, the tempest, japanese big macs, overdue phone calls, writing letters, reading, sleeping, cooking, creating. 

 i miss summer.  but i’m happy.  i like everyone.  i want people to feel the same way.  good riddance SHYNESS.  farewell lack of confidence.  i feel at leisure to finally enjoy life and people and the possibilities of reciprocation.  dinner party in the works.  helping people out.  i’m really glad that i know everyone i know.  i’m glad that i’m so fortunate.  i’m glad that i love my cats.  and i’m glad that i’ll have a legitimate post up tomorrow.

pardon my shenanigans and ridiculous ways.  head ache > heart ache.


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