enfin's reality, writing

i’ll keep an eye on you if you’ll keep one on me

they walk by me like i don’t even exist. its heart-breaking to most… i feel as though im treated rarely like a human. and i suppose that’s all i want. along with a type-writer, but that can wait. i want some praise in my life, but then again i don’t. i don’t really feel like  i need validation, but there are points, like today, where i just want someone laudare.  the taste of black coffee is always stuck in my mouth. today i was turned away by several people. and i have things i want to say to each. thus, i composed the following letters to each person. because im unable to confront most, there name’s are omitted.

letter one

i don’t know why you’re scared to be with me. as friends. did you read a notebook of mine? did you read my poetry? did you think it went to you? well… it’s not addressed to you, now is it? and does not have anything to do with you- believe it or not. you’ve only once caused a stream of emotions to trickle through my ice cold heart. and that was quite sometime ago. recently, i see you for who you are. someone who thinks that if they don’t meet their standards, are destined for failure. you were shrouded with this sense of perfection when i first began hanging out with you.  too bad its all gone now. i can see right through you. i can hear your thoughts. and i know your excuses like i know congress street. deal with it. and if you want to lie, y’better know i’ve memorized all the lies in the book.

letter two

we’re both flakes, and that’s completely acceptable. i always hate being the sole flaky one in any relationship, so that’s why i can accept your excuses. not to say that i’m glad with them half the time, because i think you’re the bee’s knees and that’s why i like spending time with you. if you were honest with me, instead of coming up with excuses, i’d be okay with it! believe me! i would be. especially for you because you’re sweet as a button.

letter three

i feel as though sometime in the near future we’ll walk by one another on the street and we won’t share a single word with each other. that’s not how family is supposed to act. you think you hold yourself with poise, but your insecurities are eating you up. and i see it. they’re like parasites, they’re starting at the crown of your head and soon enough they’ll reach the tip of your toes. we used to be very close… just like family should be. i haven’t “heard” from you in a year. in front of important people, like your friends and your mom, you act as though you love me. maybe you do. you should. through thick and thin, we’ll always be family. you taught me that. i know i may have hurt your feelings multiple times over the course of the past year, but when i use friendly words you don’t respond. with every excuse i use to get to you, i’m shut down. i didn’t know you could be this cold. i don’t wait forever, and this isn’t just your tragedy. he’s gone for me and cole too. so pull yer shit together, and be there for us. because we’re hurting too. the world doesn’t revolve around just one person. the longer you wait, the harder it will be to get through to me.

letter four

i miss you so much! you’re my best friend and i can’t get over how close we’ve become over the past three years. i look forward to coming home daily just to be with you, whether or not our time is spent in a quality way! we’re very different people, but we’re very similar. my roots to you will always remain firm. i suppose almost all of my anxiety stems from the fear of losing you. i know you’ve said that all along, but its taken me sometime to admit it. i’m proud to call you my best friend, and my A.

letter five

i hate long distances for this main reason. i can’t see yer face daily. i suppose the distance though is for the best. space gives us time apart, which ultimately makes our time together much better than it would be if you lived with me. although that will happen soon enough. i’ve already poured my heart out to you multiple times, and you know how much i appreciate you and everything you do. i apologize for all the wrongs i’ve done unto you (whether you’re aware of them or not). you’re my best friend and i can never take you for granted. i can’t wait to see yer pretty little face en avril.

letter six

i avoid you now. sort of. avoiding reasons to talk with you because of the fear that i’ve recently acquired. you speak to me… in one way or another. its always been apparent to me that everyone has so much more than would appear. and i knew, upon meeting you, a few years back, that you were one person who hid behind this layer of mystery. being let into your mind, i’ve been given new perspective. i’ve received comprehension, and i feel human again. i know these are things you probably don’t want to hear, but for fear that life is infact too short, i thought i’d let it out again. i don’t know how to even convey what i want to say to you. i don’t want to be judged, but i want to be heard. and that’s why i find you to be… absolutely extraordinary. but along with that comes your fickleness, and perhaps your egotism. any relationship needs to be 50 50 and thus far, it has been. my worry though, is that soon it will be 75 25. and i hate dealing with those sorts of things. i don’t doubt that you’d stop that from happening, and i hope it never comes to that, because i appreciate you, oh so much.

letter seven

i just feel bad about everything i’ve done. my drama isn’t yours to deal with, and i pin it on you. i can’t even look at you anymore. i haven’t muttered a single word of kindness since before january 30th to you. you were the one person that could cheer me up. and that respected my wishes and listened to me when i threw fits and tantrums. i’m sure i’ve burnt whatever we had to the ground, in one of my wreckless moments.  believe it or not, its hard for me to contain my actions sometimes. unfortunately, i chose to do what i’ve done to you. i’d be..so grateful if you understood where i was coming from, just once more, and then we could take the final plunge into what was a very worthwhile friendship from the start of it last year.

to all recipients: enfinlove.

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