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back at it

It’s December 22nd, 2016.  I’m on a bus home, cruising down 95 in the middle of Connecticut? Massachusetts? Somewhere.  It’s that very specific winter sort of grey out- as if there’s a lingering snow shower somewhere out in the distance.  Typically the bus rides have been therapeutic for me, however today I’d beg to differ.  I showed up hungover and drunk from last night.  Speaking of last night, it’s all a blur.  Sometimes I just can’t hold my shit together and I do things like last night.  As far as I can tell, no harm done to me or anyone I love and care about.  Just a lost hat, some misplaced or mis-spent cash, and an aching suspicion I may have said some stupid things.  I’m sure I was in a particularly ripe mood- I could feel myself growing more agitated by the second.  Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what’s gotten into me, but I feel as though maybe there’s something to be gained from sitting down and writing again.  So thus, this very much untitled blog has resurfaced.  It’s definitely one of those super self-consumed me me me blogs.  But it also intends to explore urban loneliness in millennials in Brooklyn.  It’s more than likely going to traverse the ugly world of dating and Tinder, and taking goddamn risks IRL too.

Now flurries are fluttering past the window, scenes of New England rurality rushing past, the bus is quaking, it’s very rickety.  I’m starting to wonder more about the meaning of life, why some people are more naturally outgoing and others are painfully shy.  I’m starting to wonder about my angst, my mood swings, my overall ups and downs.  I’m starting to wonder now about the people who live off of Exit 72 in Connecticut.  I wonder what their lives are like in comparison.  I’m also thinking of H and how we’ve gotten here.  It’s like we’re at this strange tipping point where things are so up in the air and too many games have been played and overall uncertainty reigns supreme. And then of course there’s C- a constant in my life since 2013.  The person who I will aways love despite the fact that he doesn’t deserve it.  I’m always waiting for him to prove me wrong.

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2013: a recap

the past year has altogether been wonderful.  i’ve done a lot of growing over the last twelve months, which was something i didn’t necessarily expect.  i discovered two new homes- martha’s vineyard and st. john.  i’ve made countless friends, lost some of course, produced beautiful plates, burnt simple syrups time and time again, taken risks, fell in love, had my heart broken, moved on and far away.  i have found myself elated, confused, proud, exhausted, sick, gloriously happy, scared, and ready.  2013 was much more than i assumed it would be.  i moved away from my home.  got rid of all my belongings.  started over.  there have been points where i’ve been so lost and so confused.  of course those points have been countered by other times where i’ve been incredibly happy.  at the moment, i’m not too sure exactly how it is i feel.  perhaps it’s island life that has installed the innate sense of leisure and indifference in me as of late.

i miss my longtime friends.  i miss the quiet.  i miss my own space.  i miss pastry.

i love the beach.  the sunshine in december.  the ocean.  the leisure.

i need: a challenge.  a genuine friend.  inspiration.  pep talks.

from 2013 i’ll never forget: the final cloak & dagger.  the summer on martha’s vineyard.  having my heart broken.  creating a stronger bond with my best friends, annie and meredith.  moving to the virgin islands.

in terms of 2014 i hope for: inspiration, courage, friends, love, endless sunshine, challenge, growth.

01/13: c&d 10: tapas in my tiny apartment, my chickadee tattoo, hugo’s stage.
02/13: valentine’s day at zen with johnny & nicholas, leaving FaT, watching copious amounts of television, a bad bout of the flu.
03/13: c&d 11: manhattan, the dutch, petite jacqueline, prune.
04/13: working at leroux, moving out of ho chi minh tail, porch times with chess, wine and cheese.
05/13: the final cloak and dagger, moving to martha’s vineyard, watching cheers every goddamn night.
06/13: absolute and utter shock, care packages, anna comes to the vineyard.
07/13: annie visits the vineyard, dia de los muertos tattoo outline, taking back my kitchenaid, bresca & the honeybee, 4th of julliet
08/13: catering, boston red sox with cole, boston trips, date nights with annie, romanian parties, moving back to portland.
09/13: reconnections and missed connections, dinners with alex, autumn arrives in portland, family gatherings.
10/13: enjoying the crunching leaves, dates walking dogs, fearfest AMC, arrival in paradise.
11/13: 80 degree temps, bvi boat trip, blended drinks: bbc, bushwacker, etc, thanksgiving without turkey.
12/13: coral bay discovery, not home for the holidays, one cheery christmas present, working working working– i ain’t slept in weeks.

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p00r timing

Every once in a while, I’ll have some crazy revelation about something that is too important to ignore.  Most of the time it has something to do with my career or my family or my friends; something of a relatively imperative nature.  Granted, I’ve rarely had instinctual revelations about my personal life, and people with direct influences on it.  That is until today.

In all fairness, I could and have been classified as a romantic.  At the same time, it’s usually rooted in more sensibility than idealism.  This time however, it’s not.  I can hardly believe it myself, as it’s just this feeling… this very strong feeling that I’ve finally come across someone that I’m meant to spend time with, see the world with, and just be with.  I can’t deny any of those things, because in truth, it’s mutually felt.  Supposing that the timing itself wasn’t as horrific as it is, then this would be a whole different story.  My stomach wouldn’t be in knots.  I wouldn’t worry myself with silly hopes; perhaps the worst of them being that I just hope they’re still around when I return next August.  In retrospect, a 40 week season is not a very long period of time at all.  No, no, it’s just over 280 days.  But at the same time, a lot can happen in simply a week as we all know.  It’s only human for change to occur, and I understand that change will occur during the next 40 weeks.  But this is what I can only hope for.  That this connection doesn’t fade.  If I were to speak bluntly, I could say that there’s this part of me that knows it won’t fade.  There’s nothing but this feeling to support why I know this, but I do.  The realist/cynic in me is the part that is making me hope, instead of just being confident that it won’t disappear.  But I know myself.  I know that when I have this sort of feeling… that it’s not fleeting.  That it actually means something.  It’s intuition you could say, but it’s more than that too.

I’m sorry for certain reasons to be leaving Maine in such a short time.  What I’ll miss, are things that I wouldn’t normally miss.  I’m going to miss wandering in the snow covered streets, the foggy mornings, my Sunday brunches, my cats, my friends, my dutch oven, my sad little bed, the shade that the elm trees make, the comfort of my home, my walk up Pine Street, conversations on the porch, my neighborhood dive, my support system, and honestly, I’ll miss this connection.  I don’t know what I can do while I’m away, besides work, and distract myself with my work and the beach, and the endless summer.  Give myself the prospect of a period of travel after the season.  And with reunions that I couldn’t be more happy to dream about.  I’m excited about my new home, my new job, and my friends to be made, but there’s this minute part of me that’s saying it’s just such poor timing.  And perhaps it is.  But if this is what I think it is– and I really, honestly, truly, feel that this is it, then it will be here when I return.  And maybe, just maybe, the timing will be better then.  If not, then what’s to say that waiting isn’t part of this process?

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developments

the past few days:

moving down to saint john, usvi, so that was most definitely my favorite highlight.  otherwise highlights include:

pricing christmas ornaments, watching “my boys”, drinking numerous bottles of red wine, catsup with my favorite joshua, and a mimosa filled brunch, followed by a horoscope come true.  also, i dig kissing & pizza.

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